From The Inside

I Just Have To Remember This

2009-09-27T04:14:00.003+08:00

Before my kitten turns into a cat.. which is in about 5 months time.

Today, my baby tiger first discovered an insect.

There was a moth resting on the ceiling,
she tilted her head up staring at it meowing non stop.
I decided to help her reach it just for the fun of it,
We stood on a chair, lifted her up,
and she swiped it,
it caught me off guard that the moth flew away,
sort of.
Then i shrieked, could feel her heart beat twice faster than it was,
her head shifted to where the moth flew to.

I let Muffin go,
she chased after it as it flew to the light,
and again we got to the chair,
she meowed non stop,
tried to swipe it,
and it flew away,
and we couldn't find it anymore.

I spent the next half an hour or so,
entertaining myself,
watching my baby tiger run around all corners of the living room.
tilting her head up meowing for the moth to come out,
and also entertained myself further by joining in her mission to look for the moth,
by questioning her where the moth was,
and whether she was still looking for it.

She understood and replied.

And we continued in our search until it was time for dinner.

Can't wait for another moth to fly in

haha.

2009-09-10T14:12:00.002+08:00

It took me, for so long,
for today,
to read and learn of others,
and to realise how different I am to what I am "supposed" to be.

When others are writing and showing their maturity,
I'm stuck in this rut where I feel like I'm back in high school (minus all the high school drama).
It seems as though I keep wanting myself to grow,
that I was so ready for something to happen,
but it already is.

University is happening,
and probably my father has been right,
probably I have not been thinking much about my future,
because I feel its all laid out,
everything will be smooth sailing,
because,
I'm in a university,
I'm in Australia,
and I'm doing a course that I like.

But how far will that take me,
if I continue being complacent,
or continue putting just a minimal amount of effort,
nothing will happen.

I know myself,
that what I learn about others today,
will make me feel that I need to strive harder,
but it's harder than it seems,
I need to continue motivating myself,
despite not having friends from the same uni,
despite being ahead in the academic calender of the selective friends that I have been hanging out for the past year.
This IS something that's happening.

What was I thinking?
I was hoping it would be some life lesson that would make me stronger,
like what happened some 5 years ago.
No, it's not.
THIS is happening,
UNI is happening,
every day i sit in front of my computer,
doing minimal amount of work,
when I'm supposed to be looking out for what kind of jobs I should go for,
whether I'll be able to fully support myself financially the moment I step out of uni.

I wish I was in a position where my parents were when they went to Uni,
so I could be more appreciative,
so I could be more responsible.

I'm as stubborn as a mule,
I don't like people telling me to do things,
and doing it JUST because they want me to do it,
I want to do it because I want to see the benefit to it.

I even type and talk like a teenager.
18 turning 19 doesn't take me any further from this rut.
I want to be an adult.

I thought I already was,
but looking at how I'm really not being one,
there's no point seeing my age turn older and yet,
I am still being a teenager.

How much more will it take for you, Hanyi,
to be able to speak, act, think like an adult?

When will that happen?

when?

So tell me..

2009-09-02T16:52:00.000+08:00

What's the point of this, when all i do is take,
and you give.
and all i do is pour all i can,
on you when i feel like it,
and i'm hidden by truths?

Why?

2009-08-29T03:43:00.003+08:00

Seems to me like no one knows what are they feeling right now.
All these mixed feelings,
of anger, jealousy, sadness, happiness(though never will overwhelm the others).

Why are all those negative emotions so much more stronger than the positive ones?

Why do we consume ourselves into all these emotions,
that will only make us feel worse?
Why do we as human beings,
can NOT stop seeking for sympathy.

There's a hierachy,
and everyone wants to be the queen.

It's not fair that I always have to think about how to help chase those negative emotions away from others,
and yet,
after much thought put in,
after many thousands of words used,
to no avail,
nothing happens.
I just see people,
going down,
sinking deeper, right in front of my fucking eyes.

IN MY VIEW,
everyone's sinking deeper,
I look to my side,
and someone else is taking up my job.

I want to be that friend i used to be.
I don't want YOU to take over my job.
Give it back to me.. please?

My mum used to ask me why my friends come and go so easily.
She said, it must be something wrong that I've done to all my past friendships.
Guess what?
I've lived for more than 18 years,
and I still don't know what the fuck did I do wrong,
to not be able to maintain them.

Is it because I'm too invasive?
too insensitive?
too sensitive?
too obsessive?
too afraid that I'll lose you guys?

I'll never get the assurance,
not from anyone..
but myself.

Then what's the whole point of living,
when we're all meant to live in denial?

Realization

2009-08-06T13:10:00.002+08:00

It took me this little today,
to remind me that,
another simple day for you,
might not be the same for others,
it might mark an old couple's 50th anniversary,
or maybe your father's brother's wife's uncle's mother's birthday.

It took me to realise,
that I cannot save the whole world,
I cannot save MY whole world.

Because all it takes,
is a day,
for someone's heart to break,
for someone's bad memories to flow back into them,
for someone's heart to break.... AGAIN.

Dear Blue,
you know you've come this far now,
as much as you think how insignificant you are to others,
I do not know how else to express how much you mean to me,
as a friend,
a sister,
someone to share joy with(not the person),
someone to share sorrow with.

You know,
as cliche(with the ' on top) as it sounds,
if you need a shoulder to cry on,
or someone to do stupid things for you to just smile away those sadness.

I'm there.
I promise you and myself,
I'll be there.

Making The Body Move Never Felt So Good

2009-07-28T05:07:00.002+08:00

My delts and triceps and biceps all are aching.
I can feel them muscles growing.
Really like rock climbing.
The challenge,
the success,
very overwhelming.

Might take it up one day.
Maybe.
Or maybe they're just empty words.

Today marks the day,
where I lay off binge drinking,
I have decided,
at first I thought that it was the subject assignment that made me decide on it,
but I think I'm ready to stop binging on drinking.

Ever ready.

I drank 3 bottles of beer and a bit of cocktails before I end my binging.

Wish me luck.

With all my alcohol loving friends around,
and the fact that my family drinks truckloads,
I'm pretty sure I can make it.

Pretty sure.

optimistic much?

2009-07-25T19:44:00.002+08:00

You only ever said you will do it,
because you do not want me to be upset.
Fact is,
you never planned to do it anyways,
how would you know that you would?

That one sentence,
led from one disappointment to another.

In me,
I don't see forgiveness anymore,
no more patience,
no more faith,
no more hope.

I hate feeling like this.
I hate the fact that I cannot give you more time to think.

I have the patience,
I do.
to wait,
I know I do,
but you telling me that you have not planned anything,
about what you're going to do.

I'm just going to be that one girl,
we both know,
that was heartbroken,
by that one guy she loved so much,
but he never loved her enough,
for things to happen.

Because,
I'm starting to think,
you'll be that guy.

You will.

I just know you will.

2009-07-19T17:40:00.001+08:00

note to self:

angry/upset boy = sucky feeling.

RAWR

Not Just Downfalls

2009-07-18T03:11:00.000+08:00

I was told that writing about happy things wouldn't kill me.

So,
I'm telling the whole world now,
that I am happy.

I have an assignment coming up,
it's a journal based assignment about health behavior.
Basically changing things about your life that you know is unhealthy,
but you still do it anyways.

I'm still thinking on what I should change.
This could be life-changing.
HAH! dramatic much.

and I'll most probably write about it here.
From what I wrote,
to what I REALLY want to write.

If you get my drift.

toodles world.

Send my best regards.

:D

Because this girl right here,
is not all about sadness and grim.

Roller Coaster

2009-07-14T04:15:00.003+08:00

My mood,
is like the roller coaster.

When I'm upset,
I get really really upset,
and I always can't seem to find a good enough reason,
to why I get upset.

When I'm happy,
I get really really happy,
and I again,
can't seem to understand where that sort of happiness is coming from.

I feel like I'm being controlled by some little minion up right in my brain,
or my heart.

I'm a robot.

A robot to something superior and microscopic,
you and I,
both,
would never know of its existent.

Help?

On a TOTALLY random note,
my brother made me feel better about myself after reading what he has to say about skinny models,
best part was,
"Remember, don't let people tell you what you should be, and definitely don't let the FASHION INDUSTRY influence your life. HAHAHA! What the hell do they know? You are fine just the way you are, unless you weigh more than 200 pounds. In which case you are not fine. Put down that tub of ice-cream. You might spill some on your computer."

and just to make him feel disgusted after reading this,
I LOVE MY BROTHER,
in many ways,
and if there's ever one kind of love in life that I would not want to perish,
would be the love my family has for me,
and the love I would give to them.
Brother, I'm still waiting for the day you tell me you miss me and love me.
BECAUSE I CAN SO FUCKING SEE THROUGH YOUR BARE NAKED SOUL. :D

2009-07-12T15:10:00.002+08:00

This is pathetic.
It's 5 in the evening.
and i'm (still) lying in bed.

Thinking of who to call to join me for dinner,
but looks like there's no one to.

i should be reading about my subjects because school's starting,
i should be cleaning up my house because the vacuum cleaner is still in the toilet
i should be eating,okay, maybe not,
but i only have been having one meal a day.

I feel so.

DEAD.

I can't sleep

2009-06-29T04:40:00.002+08:00

So I've been looking into people's life,
and then my thoughts deviated(don't know how) to the people I care for,
and care for me.

Then,
I questioned myself,
when was the last time did you ever,
ever,
felt that much appreciated by a friend,
or a group of friends even?

When was the last time,
you had such a tight bonding with people,
where we started off as strangers with no ties,
to friends that were there for you no matter what?

Never.

Then,
I questioned myself again,
is it really true?
all the love, the care, the friendship?

I don't know.

Heck,

I don't care.

I'm just going to believe,
because if i believe,
they'll believe,
then we'll all believe.

And also,
ignorance is bliss.

We're all being truthful aren't we?

Because i can freaking feel the fucking love all you guys are giving me.

I can almost cry.

Oh wait.

I did.

I miss my cat btw. blah.

Never Enough

2009-06-27T00:09:00.001+08:00

This is so screwed up,
when I'm here,
I miss things back there,
when I'm there,
I miss things back here.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

and i keep wallowing in self pity,
unhappy at the thought that,
i,
admittedly,
have no friends.

well, i do,
but they're all not by my side,
and the fact that everyone is doing things together,
WITHOUT me,
just makes matters worse.

I'm being a bitch.

Sue me.

Who the fuck reads this blog anyways.

ZZZ

Hello World

2009-06-19T03:54:00.002+08:00

Meet my love,

my baby tiger.

MUFFIN!

Oh, I never told you guys I have a cat eh?

Surprise, surprise.

I LOVE MY BABY TIGER!

RAWR!

Because I'm Supposed To Be Acing My Subjects

2009-06-17T01:34:00.002+08:00

Have I ever talked about my passion for coke?

the drink that is.

I love coke.

Coming to Melbourne, staying in Melbourne,
just makes me more obsessed about coke.
THE DRINK.
not the thing you snuff up your nose.

I am here,
to announce to the world.

THAT I LOVE COKE!

w00t!

COCA-COLA FOR THE WIN!

200th post - 5 Stars

2009-06-06T10:46:00.002+08:00

My 5 Stars,

whenever i see either one of you,
being actually happy in life,
i'm glad,
i didn't want that moment to end,
whether it was me or someone else that made you guys happy,
i still didn't want that moment to end,

for then,
you won't be sulking anymore,
because he never gave you what you want,
and you won't be upset anymore,
with the things in life that you've always kept inside,
and you won't be bored anymore,
because she finally wanted you back,
and you won't be really sad anymore,
because we finally had something worked out,
and our friendship/relationship/tie is getting stronger and stronger everyday,
and of course you,
won't be having to take a step back all the time anymore,
because you've avoided yourself from girls who are too dependant.

Talk about good love man.

Hey 5 stars,
it's not the days that when you're unhappy that matters,
it's the days when you're HAPPY that really matters.
Take it all in,
breathe it,
live it,
and when a bad day comes,
we'll be even more ready,
for a better day,
to absorb every moment of it,
and then keep it in my minds.

You guys,
are like
family.
<3
and family,
sticks together,
we will,
stick together.

(insert picture here, we don't have one picture with all of us :( *HINT*)

Camp

2009-06-03T00:14:00.002+08:00

Went out of the library to take a breather today,

the library was lit,
but outside it was pitch black,
weather was cold,
floor was wet,
it rained before.

I had a very nostalgic feeling.

Camping days,
we stayed up all night under the rain,
digging up holes for the A-tent,
building gadgets with bamboos and rafia strings.

The early morning exercises,
putting on random people's shoes,
the whistle calls,
the pumpings,
the duck walks,
the toilet-washing.

The morning inspections.

Everything bombarded my mind in a split millisecond.

Once a scout, always a scout.

I wish..

I had taken more of those moments in,
when i was there.

War

2009-06-02T01:05:00.003+08:00

This is war.

I declare war.

With the books. that is.

I shall trump my every exam.

With pride.

I will win this time.

"Just because i'm losing,
doesn't mean i lost,
doesn't mean i'll stop,
doesn't mean i will cross"
Coldplay- Lost!

sidenote,
when all of these distractions for my mind wears off,
what do i do then?

Does it mean,
that i'll lose again?

Lost

2009-06-01T00:19:00.001+08:00

Lost ones.

I lost many,
still losing many,
many losing me,

we lose,

we lost each other.

no more each other,
for one another,

and then,
we are all alone,

because we lost,
one another.

We're losing,
one another.

It was a losing situation after all.

We lost.

Constant

2009-05-31T10:46:00.005+08:00

How does it feel like for you,
if life is just a routine?
Everyday, we do the same things,
looking for the same (cheap) thrills.

Do you worry a lot?
Do you worry every single minute of your life?
Afraid that you might hurt someone's feelings,
with your actions or words,
or even mere presence?

you feel the need to be inspired,
to be able to respect,
to be able to follow someone's footsteps.

it's about time,
to step out of this circle you call your comfort zone,
because life is getting boring,
if it's just a routine.

On a totally different topic,
i'm glad that most of the people you took granted for,
have finally came to realise,
you're not worth the pain, the sacrifices, the burden,
and ultimately,
their love..

The Solution

2009-05-25T02:31:00.001+08:00

I think....

To sleep.

is to run away.

Good solution.

Good night.

She Knew It Was Coming

2009-05-22T05:25:00.004+08:00

She knew it was coming,
she could sense it was coming,
every little hint, every little sign,
emerged,
she knew it was coming.

Every single time,
she was at her tippity top,
it came ,
crashing down on her,
it spoilt her day.

she knew it was coming,
she felt a little twinge in her stomach.

and suddenly,
she felt faint,
she knew she couldn't take it.
She had to find,
a solution,
before it gets worse.

As she ponders around,
with the short and easy way to her left,
and the hard and long way to her right,
she knew if she took the path to her left,
it would be detrimental,
she had no gain,
she wouldn't feel like she was strong enough to face it.

So,
she took the harder and longer way.
It hurt,
She was hurting so bad,
no one could help her,
she wants to go back,
she doesn't want to walk this path anymore,
but the doors behind are closed.

She had to be strong,
She knows she'll break through,
she's done this more often than she had imagined,
she knows she's halfway through.

She'll continue through this journey.
She know she'll have to go through it again,
so she picks herself up.
both hands on where she is hurting,
she let time pass,
as time passes and as she walks along that bloody path.

She sees the light,
what she was walking on felt dry again.
It didn't hurt anymore.

She went on living,
she was happy again,
she was at her tippity top again,
then,
she saw it coming.

She knows it's coming.
It's just that bloody cycle in life,
that she cannot,
for anyone's sake,
avoid it.

This Is How It Feels Like To Be OBSESSED

2009-05-10T13:33:00.003+08:00

So,
i'm alone at home,
on a fucking Sunday,
trying to do my freaking assignment,
which i am not getting anywhere to,
because
i hate the loneliness,
the fact that i have to do this assignment on my own in my community,
the fact that no one can discuss with me about it,
the fact that people around me are not stressing together with me.

fuck
i'm selfish.
and it disgusts me.

TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE ON THIS.

RAWR

SOMEONE TALK TO ME ONLINE IF NOT I WILL GO MAD

It Feels Like The World Is Closing Down On Us

2009-05-09T19:27:00.002+08:00

I'm not used to this,
I'm not used to being surrounded by people who i care,
and vice-versa,
yet it feels like there's a REALLY large trench that we dug for ourselves,
in between us,
you digging your side and i digging mine,
it became from what seemed to be a borderline,
to a monsoon drain.

The water flows in between us,
if we cross,
the water will take us away,
at least that's what we think.
BUT will it really?

Can we all please please please,
talk about this,
I want to make amends,
I want to stop feeling like this.

I want to stop feeling like I have nobody,
when I know I still have.

Anyone of you guys?
My other family?
Can anyone hear me out please?

We expect too much from each other,
I don't want to put on a facade anymore.
Please..

Stupid Concept

2009-05-07T01:56:00.004+08:00

Where the hell does trust come from?
How the heck do you earn someone's trust?
Do you have to do it with time?
What if the only thing that you can't afford is time?

I have a stupid concept.
Where the world should continue trusting until they cannot bring themselves to trust anymore.
your trust might be betrayed in the past,
but without a doubt, everyone, including yourself has done that.

But if the world stops trusting,
it might lead to not knowing what honesty means anymore.

I hate the situation we're all in right now,
the people that I thought I mattered to,
don't seem to need me anymore.
The people that I thought matters to me,
don't trust enough to know that I care,
that I, from the bottom of my heart,
wants to be of help, to support, to care.

My heart is now STILL recuperating,
from a blessing in disguise 5 years ago.
It is now enough to help me love others to love myself.
I can only do that through people.

Please.
The people who I care, and care for me.
Let me love you,
so that I can learn to love myself.

I feel as though what we have now is so fragile,
that a single world might shatter it,
hold it too tight it'll crush,
hold it too light it'll drift apart.

Just when you thought a wonderful friendship is established,
ready to move on the stage,
where you're going to be there for the friend rain or shine,
SINCERELY,
and not out of obligation,
it just isn't so.

We all say life's unfair, life sucks.
But when you look beneath the surface,
beneath all the excuses, the lies we give to ourselves, the facades we put on when we look into our reflection,
you will all realise,
what we get in life, all started from the decisions that we have made.

Stupid concept.
stupid but I'm going to continue doing it anyway.

I might get hurt easily,
but I don't get hurt long.
I'm the best punchbag laid out in front of you ready for your blows (that i definitely can take),
and you leave me to collect dust.

Thank you very much, friend.

Friend.

What's your definition for the word friend anyways?

"No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones who pay.."