From The Inside

One Lucky Bitch

2011-04-06T00:57:00.002+08:00

That's what I am.

One fucking lucky bitch.

To be able to meet someone that I feel so comfortable with in such a short time,

where I can be myself and not worry about being judged (God, I missed that feeling)

Fate,

if I wasn't alone in that smoking room,

if your mates didn't decide to go to Seven.

I'd still be stuck in a dark tunnel where I was trying to find a way,

ANY way,

be it, in, out, up or down.. I was desperately looking for a light.

And you came,

you came and took me away.

You're amazing.

I wish words are able to express how much I feel you're amazing.

But, it's because you're so amazing.

I feel the need to be the same..

and now, I just feel so imperfect,

being next to you.

Sometimes I wish you really could be an ass to me,

So I won't feel so imperfect being next to you.

I do hope you're here to stay,

for a while.

You have to know that I was a mess before you came along,

I need to get hold of myself,

if you will stay,

stay by my side, tonight..

every night.

140 characters isn't enough

2010-05-10T16:16:00.003+08:00

We forgive, then forget; we forget, then we feel again.

Feels like I'm living in a different world now.
Sometimes I feel so loved, so filled with people around me.
Sometimes they're gone,
and then loneliness strikes.

But that's what phones are for, no?

Get up, on your feet,
call someone,
embrace that gut feeling you have,
when you suddenly feel like someone needs you the most.
Don't hesitate,
love,
with all your heart,
with all your might.

And if someone hurts you,
cry, learn, get up.

and then say, think, breathe, "fuck it".

The world will be so much better then,
I keep forgetting that without the unhappy parts in life,
you wouldn't appreciate that really good ones as much.

Thank you God,
for throwing in people after people to me,
because you knew I needed them.

This Year's Gonna Be My Year

2010-04-15T00:58:00.002+08:00

Today,
I had a vision,
it was a very nice vision,
and I was surprised someone else saw the same vision.

He works in miraculous ways!

This year's gonna be a different year,
with me acknowledging Him in my life,
It will definitely be different from now on.

This is just the beginning and I see many more to come.

This word has been floating around me all day today:

STRENGTH.

Be it physical or mental strength,
I know I have Him walking hand in hand with me,
and I can feel his superiority,
his strength,
and it seems to be flowing into me.

I want this strength,
to change,
change my ways,
change things that I don't like about myself.

I can finally, confidently say that I can change.

And I might just like change.

Every time I encounter that particular situation that I've been dreading,
I ask myself,
What's He playing at?

But it's okay,
I don't want to know yet,
because I know I will get the answer one day.

Such is life.

All I see now,
are rainbows, butterflies, and a very nice sunny day.

May all of you who have been reading about what I write,
be well, safe and always happy.

Because, today,
I'm one happy bitch.

HUGS AND KISSES!

"I'm okay"

2010-04-06T15:21:00.002+08:00

When will it be the day,
where I can comfortably say,
"I'm not okay",
when I really am not okay,
without worrying what others,
think, judge, and have opinions,
to the way I feel.

You took all those days away from me,
now,
all I'm saying is,
"I'm okay"
even when I am not.

I hate you.
I've always said it,
now I just realised how much I really really
do hate you.

Dear world

2010-03-29T01:22:00.002+08:00

Hanyi doesn't need Disney movies to sleep anymore,
she can now soundly sleep like a starfish on her colourful bed,
without dreams,
without sadness,
without lonliness,
only laughter, happiness, rainbows, and butterflies.

Right,
now,
she has to learn to love eating again,
or rather learn to eat again.
EAT hanyi EAT.

There's nothing in me that needs to change,
not the way I talk, not the way I walk,
not the way I think either.

So, fuck you and your stupid opinions,
I'm happy the way I am,
and someone will appreciate who I am.

Lost a few stars, gained many more.

Shun the nonbelievers (including myself)!

2010-03-12T04:36:00.002+08:00

All it takes to go to bed,
is the sounds of Mulan saving China,
Little Mermaid and her little adventure in trying to be human,
hustling and bustling in your ears.

Then all will not be thought of,
all will not be scared of.

Hush now, little one,
rest your heart,
rest your mind,
and follow the adventures of Disney's wonderful characters.

We'll all float on alright,
it takes time...

For now,
I do sincerely hope that Disney movies wouldn't run out.

Or we could watch the ones we watched over and over again.
Thank you Walt Disney,
for your wonderful company's cartoons.

The fault will never be on one side of the fence,
and never will anyone be correctly blamed.

May the rest of the year prevent the need for forgiveness to be requested.

Mary Poppins, Hear me out?

2010-03-11T01:33:00.002+08:00

I don't want to go to bed,
thinking back,
there were so many things where I did wrong,
where I can do right.
I know I can,
if only I was told off,
I was threatened,
I was given a last chance.

Instead,
I got a sentence,
without a proper trial.

I'm okay sometimes,
sometimes, I just sit down,
knowing that my hand would never be held the same way again,
my hugs would not be given to the same person again,
my affections cannot be received by the same person again.

I feel as though,
a part of me that was filled to the brim,
has been torn and taken apart so suddenly.

But it's not entirely your fault,
when you left,
it's as though everyone left me too.

I just need a little bit of Mary Poppins to be with me,
A little bit of rainbow to stay by my side,
a little bit of love,
a little bit of i don't know.... friends?

It was a good run

2010-03-08T20:04:00.003+08:00

On May, it started,
peaked in August,
ended during a rainy day on March.

Gotta figure a way how to deal with this much time alone now.

Thank you,
for once being there for me,
loving me.
Mate, I'm sorry I drove you away.
But I can't apologise for me being who I am.
Just sorry you weren't the one who could take the whole of me in.

I'm tired, and burned out.

And I'm starting to think that I may be to crazy for anyone to handle in the long run.
Do they have people that can cope with me in the asylum?

And I've been thinking,
people were made better in pairs,
not in three's or four's.

I'll always be the one left out.

I'm okay.
I am.
I just suddenly had nothing to do,
alone at home,
so I think.
Which is what I don't want to do.

I should stop now.
I'm okay.

Hello, Stranger

2010-03-06T17:54:00.003+08:00

It feels like,
it was all a fairy tale,
All was imagined,
all wasn't real.

Come back, angel,
come back into my arms,
let me into your heart,
let me be what you need most,
your food, your oxygen, your shelter.

But,
we're now strangers, angel.
Stranger than strangers can be.

What are we holding on to?
please remind me,
because I'm tired angel,
I'm tired of trying to make a beautiful special being who flies,
stay on the ground,
to be with me.

Come back to me angel,
give up your wings,
for me?

Million Dollar Question

2010-02-22T16:39:00.001+08:00

How far are you willing to take a step back?

We're a mess.

SO

2010-02-08T02:38:00.000+08:00

Chelsea beat Arsenal.

But it's all good..

CAUSE IT WAS A GOOD GAME.

:D

baby, your superhero ability not working anymore.. how?

Epiphany

2010-02-04T20:22:00.008+08:00

It just came to my realisation,
that I do not have an ability to make those around me happy.

Instead,
i think i have a superpower,
I'd like to make it a secret,
but it's so overwhelming,
that if i was Clark Kent, i won't be able to hide my red underpants over my slacks.

I have the strangest ability it cracks me,
I have the ability,
to make people around me upset, annoyed, angry,
It drives people away from me.

Cheers to the new superman.

Solitary at it's best.

p/s: I'd like Arsenal to beat Chelsea this Sunday. Thanks.

may the boyfriend be a better superhero than i am.

"where do i stand now?"
"well. i still love you right now and i won't give up just like that"

Superhero or what?

I wish..

2009-12-28T16:32:00.002+08:00

I guess I've forgotten how it felt like to be around new people,
people that you don't know,
people that don't know you.
Be it how much they can take your jokes,
or to know when you're being sarcastic,
to how much they have a grudge against you,
for something that you never knew could've been offensice.

We're always learning,
and I want to stop learning about things like that,
because I don't want to have to go everywhere,
and all I have to do is please people,
why are we all so selfish?
Why do I have to always take a step back,
just so that someone who really isn't that special to me,
but is special to someone who's special to me,
can have a peaceful conversation with me?

I just want to go back to a place,
where we are all treated equally,
we know each other well enough,
we share the same sort of stupid humor.

Dammit,
I try to hide what I don't feel comfortable about,
because I'm the one at fault?
Because I'm just being myself,
and when someone just can't fucking accept the way I am,
I have to fucking take a step back?

Sure, laugh it off,
forgive and forget,
but I honestly,
don't know how to forgive myself,
for being such a pushover,
for never standing up for myself,
because someone has to take a step back.

who'd knew that there really are just times,
where you try to avoid problems,
and they come chasing after you,
one after another.

who'd knew,
that I was lucky enough to find a bunch of friends,
who would accept my humour,
forgive me as easily as I forgive them,
love me as much as I love them.

Just
fucking
get
me
out
of
this
goddamned
problems.

Today I Promise Myself

2009-12-22T00:25:00.004+08:00

That I've had enough.

No more getting upset for nonsensical things.

Who's with me?

Today's the day.

It all ends.

IT ENDS.

How ironic, 2 hours later i end up bawling my eyes off.

my boyfriend sucks. :(

p/s: you owe me one bf, make me feel better then :(

like srsly

2009-12-20T19:27:00.000+08:00

I KNOW

this is inappropriate.

but to hell with it.

my maid IS STARTING TO PISS ME OFF.

no.

she pisses me off all the time.

WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THE TALKING MAN?

LESS TALKING MORE WORK BITCH.

URGH

Muse

2009-12-15T14:05:00.002+08:00

Big girls get their fair share too.

HAHA.

It's just that people choose not to believe it..

because big can never be hot..

but we're beautiful :)

p/s: by big, i meant the malaysian standards of big... which, really, isn't that big D:

We can do the "whoopsie"

2009-12-15T01:47:00.000+08:00

Mama said something about trying to assess to my blog.

D:

I should stop being emo.

Later she ask me go see psychologist how?

:(

No one

2009-12-13T21:45:00.002+08:00

No one cares about how i feel anymore.

No one.

The world really can do better without me.

FTS.

Recap

2009-12-10T05:38:00.002+08:00

I'm surprised you knew I wanted fillet-o-fish when we were heading for a bit of some late night maccas.

And i'm even surprised how we could get angry at each other,
over really nonsensical stuffs.

Best of all,
I'm surprised about how I could feel special even though I'm feeling so alone here.

Thank you.

All this imagination,
has got to be something good,
right?

So,
tell me again,
was that a dream,
or was it fucking real man?

Change?

2009-12-08T02:01:00.003+08:00

I wonder, if anyone realized how much I have changed in a month and a half. Don't know if anyone realized. I did. I hate the person I am now. I used to be able to talk about my feelings as easily as making water seep through tissue. Now I can't. I cannot bring myself to talk about how I feel. I'm being delusional everyday. When I'm jealous, I tell myself to smile and disregard those feelings. When I'm upset, I put on songs that would distract me with lyrics that are silly it makes me smile. I cannot resist not smiling, as much as I want to show how upset I am. When I'm angry, I am not allowed to show my anger, because, there simply, is just no where to let go anything. There's no where for me to sing my crazy angry songs out loud, there's no where for me to scream my lungs out, there's no where for me to run away quietly without having to ask for permission, there's no place for me to hide when I really just don't want to talk to anyone.

I care more about my looks now than I ever did. I don't eat things that I like anymore, I eat things that I have to. I don't wear things I like anymore, I wear things that are appropriate to the common eye. I don't talk about things I used to anymore, everything does not seem appropriate, the time, the place, the people.

I feel as though, every time i come home, I lock up some part of me inside, and only open it when I leave home. Why do I have to be a different person in two different places, with different people? Why is it that we all have to be so judgmental, and have to be judged back? Every time I pick out something I like to wear, I take it off, put it back in my closet, because I know someone would say something about it. Every time I pick out something I like to eat, I have second thoughts, because everything I put in my mouth is "fattening". I don't know if I should give myself one big slap, or the people who I assume are judging me. Slapping myself because I even bother giving a damn about what others think about me, slapping others because they don't know me well enough. But I can't anyways, slapping myself will just make me look stupid, slapping others would lead to more judging.

I hate this person I become when I come back. I don't want to live as a person that I don't like. I cannot find that balance I was looking for one and a half month ago when I stepped off the plane. She's here, she's acting like she's here, but I honestly, really, don't feel the same. I want to, be who I am there, and back at home. I want to be one person. I don't want to live like I'm leading two lives, it makes me feel tired, and I can't afford the effort and emotional exhaustion every time I try to adapt. I don't want to be who I am when I'm home. I want to be carefree, I want to be my own boss, I want to be the person who judges what's right and what's wrong for me. Just because the norm says this doesn't mean I have to conform right? I have my own opinions now, I want to stick to it, but how can I do so when I feel like the whole fucking world is always judging me, my actions, my every move?

So, the people around me are the same, but are they really? They are only being the person that I knew before, and not the person that they are now. Adaptation, we all do that. I'm used to being miss-goody-two-shoes in front of a certain group of people. poof. the baddass bitch i am with another group turned to someone else. It makes me fucking feel like I have multiple-personality disorder. But I don't. And it's all frustrating at the same time, because I'm soberly aware of the change I make in front of different people.

I hate expectations. If only the people I care so much about don't have such high expectations on me. If only I didn't have such high expectations on myself to impress them. If only I could really be like a certain someone who I think honestly, can be quite stupid, but brave at the same time. She lived to what she wants, she does things that she wants, despite the constant judging from her family, from her parents, she really just don't care about what they think. I'm not saying that I admire her being a rebel, I just admire how brave she can not care about how people judge her. At least that's what she shows. We'll never know.

And there's the dreams. Sometimes, I wish I just could never dream again. sigh. that's another whole story. This is so stupid, I'm not going to be a teenager anymore yet, I feel all this emotional turmoil. high school drama much? I really really really don't like any of this that I'm going through right now.

Sorry about the verbal diarrhea, hence, the unstructured "literature"

I just needed to let something off me,
I still feel it though.

All these writing,
for once,
didn't help.

meh..

It's not that I don't want to sleep, It's just that I'd drive myself mad with my sleep.

2009-12-03T05:18:00.003+08:00

It's 5 in the morning.

Everyone (almost), is asleep now,

It's raining heavily outside,

but no one knows,

that someone up there is crying,

with me.

p/s: i'm starting to think that the world, might, just be a better place to live in, without me.

Don't Wanna Be Just Okay..

2009-11-15T03:26:00.002+08:00

Where's someone you can love,
someone you can hug,
someone you can hold on to,
when your knees get weak from exhaustion,
your legs not holding you up,
your mouth, tired of smiling,
your eyes,
showing nothing.

I don't know what's wrong.

Can anyone tell me what's wrong?

I just
want
to
be
whole.

Humans

2009-11-12T03:54:00.002+08:00

What irks me the most,
and in the same time,
impresses me the most,
is the beautifully twisted ways of how the human mind works.

How we look into every aspect in life,
through our "instincts",
always looking for something to be happy for,
always looking for something to be upset for,
to be angry for,
to be excited for.

Survival instincts,
and the wonderful ability of humans to adapt.
Though every individual takes a different amount of time,
they end up adapting,
they always will and there's no way in denying that fact.

We all struggle, don't we?
At least that's what I'd like to think,
that I'm not alone in this,
STILL looking for myself.

I hate leaving a place where I already am comfortable with,
where I can call,
my home.

And when I move to another place,
I'll have to search for the "me",
that I'd left before.

IT'S SO ANNOYING.

one second, i'm this person,
the next, i'm just another lost girl,
in the midst of a crowd who expects the same person that left,
but I'm not,
and they know I'm not,
and it has turned into MY obligation to look for a balance,
between the me who I was before,
and the me who is now.

But we'll all adapt, won't we?
It's built in us to adapt.

The truth is,
I don't want to adapt,
I don't want to be the person people expected me to be,
I want to be me,
even though I've changed,
I still want to be me.

WHO THE HELL GOT A CULTURE SHOCK COMING BACK TO THEIR HOMELAND?

I need,
an angel,
to fucking guide me out of this mess in my head.

I Just Have To Remember This

2009-09-27T04:14:00.003+08:00

Before my kitten turns into a cat.. which is in about 5 months time.

Today, my baby tiger first discovered an insect.

There was a moth resting on the ceiling,
she tilted her head up staring at it meowing non stop.
I decided to help her reach it just for the fun of it,
We stood on a chair, lifted her up,
and she swiped it,
it caught me off guard that the moth flew away,
sort of.
Then i shrieked, could feel her heart beat twice faster than it was,
her head shifted to where the moth flew to.

I let Muffin go,
she chased after it as it flew to the light,
and again we got to the chair,
she meowed non stop,
tried to swipe it,
and it flew away,
and we couldn't find it anymore.

I spent the next half an hour or so,
entertaining myself,
watching my baby tiger run around all corners of the living room.
tilting her head up meowing for the moth to come out,
and also entertained myself further by joining in her mission to look for the moth,
by questioning her where the moth was,
and whether she was still looking for it.

She understood and replied.

And we continued in our search until it was time for dinner.

Can't wait for another moth to fly in

haha.

2009-09-10T14:12:00.002+08:00

It took me, for so long,
for today,
to read and learn of others,
and to realise how different I am to what I am "supposed" to be.

When others are writing and showing their maturity,
I'm stuck in this rut where I feel like I'm back in high school (minus all the high school drama).
It seems as though I keep wanting myself to grow,
that I was so ready for something to happen,
but it already is.

University is happening,
and probably my father has been right,
probably I have not been thinking much about my future,
because I feel its all laid out,
everything will be smooth sailing,
because,
I'm in a university,
I'm in Australia,
and I'm doing a course that I like.

But how far will that take me,
if I continue being complacent,
or continue putting just a minimal amount of effort,
nothing will happen.

I know myself,
that what I learn about others today,
will make me feel that I need to strive harder,
but it's harder than it seems,
I need to continue motivating myself,
despite not having friends from the same uni,
despite being ahead in the academic calender of the selective friends that I have been hanging out for the past year.
This IS something that's happening.

What was I thinking?
I was hoping it would be some life lesson that would make me stronger,
like what happened some 5 years ago.
No, it's not.
THIS is happening,
UNI is happening,
every day i sit in front of my computer,
doing minimal amount of work,
when I'm supposed to be looking out for what kind of jobs I should go for,
whether I'll be able to fully support myself financially the moment I step out of uni.

I wish I was in a position where my parents were when they went to Uni,
so I could be more appreciative,
so I could be more responsible.

I'm as stubborn as a mule,
I don't like people telling me to do things,
and doing it JUST because they want me to do it,
I want to do it because I want to see the benefit to it.

I even type and talk like a teenager.
18 turning 19 doesn't take me any further from this rut.
I want to be an adult.

I thought I already was,
but looking at how I'm really not being one,
there's no point seeing my age turn older and yet,
I am still being a teenager.

How much more will it take for you, Hanyi,
to be able to speak, act, think like an adult?

When will that happen?

when?

So tell me..

2009-09-02T16:52:00.000+08:00

What's the point of this, when all i do is take,
and you give.
and all i do is pour all i can,
on you when i feel like it,
and i'm hidden by truths?

Why?

2009-08-29T03:43:00.003+08:00

Seems to me like no one knows what are they feeling right now.
All these mixed feelings,
of anger, jealousy, sadness, happiness(though never will overwhelm the others).

Why are all those negative emotions so much more stronger than the positive ones?

Why do we consume ourselves into all these emotions,
that will only make us feel worse?
Why do we as human beings,
can NOT stop seeking for sympathy.

There's a hierachy,
and everyone wants to be the queen.

It's not fair that I always have to think about how to help chase those negative emotions away from others,
and yet,
after much thought put in,
after many thousands of words used,
to no avail,
nothing happens.
I just see people,
going down,
sinking deeper, right in front of my fucking eyes.

IN MY VIEW,
everyone's sinking deeper,
I look to my side,
and someone else is taking up my job.

I want to be that friend i used to be.
I don't want YOU to take over my job.
Give it back to me.. please?

My mum used to ask me why my friends come and go so easily.
She said, it must be something wrong that I've done to all my past friendships.
Guess what?
I've lived for more than 18 years,
and I still don't know what the fuck did I do wrong,
to not be able to maintain them.

Is it because I'm too invasive?
too insensitive?
too sensitive?
too obsessive?
too afraid that I'll lose you guys?

I'll never get the assurance,
not from anyone..
but myself.

Then what's the whole point of living,
when we're all meant to live in denial?

Realization

2009-08-06T13:10:00.002+08:00

It took me this little today,
to remind me that,
another simple day for you,
might not be the same for others,
it might mark an old couple's 50th anniversary,
or maybe your father's brother's wife's uncle's mother's birthday.

It took me to realise,
that I cannot save the whole world,
I cannot save MY whole world.

Because all it takes,
is a day,
for someone's heart to break,
for someone's bad memories to flow back into them,
for someone's heart to break.... AGAIN.

Dear Blue,
you know you've come this far now,
as much as you think how insignificant you are to others,
I do not know how else to express how much you mean to me,
as a friend,
a sister,
someone to share joy with(not the person),
someone to share sorrow with.

You know,
as cliche(with the ' on top) as it sounds,
if you need a shoulder to cry on,
or someone to do stupid things for you to just smile away those sadness.

I'm there.
I promise you and myself,
I'll be there.

Making The Body Move Never Felt So Good

2009-07-28T05:07:00.002+08:00

My delts and triceps and biceps all are aching.
I can feel them muscles growing.
Really like rock climbing.
The challenge,
the success,
very overwhelming.

Might take it up one day.
Maybe.
Or maybe they're just empty words.

Today marks the day,
where I lay off binge drinking,
I have decided,
at first I thought that it was the subject assignment that made me decide on it,
but I think I'm ready to stop binging on drinking.

Ever ready.

I drank 3 bottles of beer and a bit of cocktails before I end my binging.

Wish me luck.

With all my alcohol loving friends around,
and the fact that my family drinks truckloads,
I'm pretty sure I can make it.

Pretty sure.

optimistic much?

2009-07-25T19:44:00.002+08:00

You only ever said you will do it,
because you do not want me to be upset.
Fact is,
you never planned to do it anyways,
how would you know that you would?

That one sentence,
led from one disappointment to another.

In me,
I don't see forgiveness anymore,
no more patience,
no more faith,
no more hope.

I hate feeling like this.
I hate the fact that I cannot give you more time to think.

I have the patience,
I do.
to wait,
I know I do,
but you telling me that you have not planned anything,
about what you're going to do.

I'm just going to be that one girl,
we both know,
that was heartbroken,
by that one guy she loved so much,
but he never loved her enough,
for things to happen.

Because,
I'm starting to think,
you'll be that guy.

You will.

I just know you will.

2009-07-19T17:40:00.001+08:00

note to self:

angry/upset boy = sucky feeling.

RAWR

Not Just Downfalls

2009-07-18T03:11:00.000+08:00

I was told that writing about happy things wouldn't kill me.

So,
I'm telling the whole world now,
that I am happy.

I have an assignment coming up,
it's a journal based assignment about health behavior.
Basically changing things about your life that you know is unhealthy,
but you still do it anyways.

I'm still thinking on what I should change.
This could be life-changing.
HAH! dramatic much.

and I'll most probably write about it here.
From what I wrote,
to what I REALLY want to write.

If you get my drift.

toodles world.

Send my best regards.

:D

Because this girl right here,
is not all about sadness and grim.

Roller Coaster

2009-07-14T04:15:00.003+08:00

My mood,
is like the roller coaster.

When I'm upset,
I get really really upset,
and I always can't seem to find a good enough reason,
to why I get upset.

When I'm happy,
I get really really happy,
and I again,
can't seem to understand where that sort of happiness is coming from.

I feel like I'm being controlled by some little minion up right in my brain,
or my heart.

I'm a robot.

A robot to something superior and microscopic,
you and I,
both,
would never know of its existent.

Help?

On a TOTALLY random note,
my brother made me feel better about myself after reading what he has to say about skinny models,
best part was,
"Remember, don't let people tell you what you should be, and definitely don't let the FASHION INDUSTRY influence your life. HAHAHA! What the hell do they know? You are fine just the way you are, unless you weigh more than 200 pounds. In which case you are not fine. Put down that tub of ice-cream. You might spill some on your computer."

and just to make him feel disgusted after reading this,
I LOVE MY BROTHER,
in many ways,
and if there's ever one kind of love in life that I would not want to perish,
would be the love my family has for me,
and the love I would give to them.
Brother, I'm still waiting for the day you tell me you miss me and love me.
BECAUSE I CAN SO FUCKING SEE THROUGH YOUR BARE NAKED SOUL. :D

2009-07-12T15:10:00.002+08:00

This is pathetic.
It's 5 in the evening.
and i'm (still) lying in bed.

Thinking of who to call to join me for dinner,
but looks like there's no one to.

i should be reading about my subjects because school's starting,
i should be cleaning up my house because the vacuum cleaner is still in the toilet
i should be eating,okay, maybe not,
but i only have been having one meal a day.

I feel so.

DEAD.

I can't sleep

2009-06-29T04:40:00.002+08:00

So I've been looking into people's life,
and then my thoughts deviated(don't know how) to the people I care for,
and care for me.

Then,
I questioned myself,
when was the last time did you ever,
ever,
felt that much appreciated by a friend,
or a group of friends even?

When was the last time,
you had such a tight bonding with people,
where we started off as strangers with no ties,
to friends that were there for you no matter what?

Never.

Then,
I questioned myself again,
is it really true?
all the love, the care, the friendship?

I don't know.

Heck,

I don't care.

I'm just going to believe,
because if i believe,
they'll believe,
then we'll all believe.

And also,
ignorance is bliss.

We're all being truthful aren't we?

Because i can freaking feel the fucking love all you guys are giving me.

I can almost cry.

Oh wait.

I did.

I miss my cat btw. blah.

Never Enough

2009-06-27T00:09:00.001+08:00

This is so screwed up,
when I'm here,
I miss things back there,
when I'm there,
I miss things back here.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

and i keep wallowing in self pity,
unhappy at the thought that,
i,
admittedly,
have no friends.

well, i do,
but they're all not by my side,
and the fact that everyone is doing things together,
WITHOUT me,
just makes matters worse.

I'm being a bitch.

Sue me.

Who the fuck reads this blog anyways.

ZZZ

Hello World

2009-06-19T03:54:00.002+08:00

Meet my love,

my baby tiger.

MUFFIN!

Oh, I never told you guys I have a cat eh?

Surprise, surprise.

I LOVE MY BABY TIGER!

RAWR!

Because I'm Supposed To Be Acing My Subjects

2009-06-17T01:34:00.002+08:00

Have I ever talked about my passion for coke?

the drink that is.

I love coke.

Coming to Melbourne, staying in Melbourne,
just makes me more obsessed about coke.
THE DRINK.
not the thing you snuff up your nose.

I am here,
to announce to the world.

THAT I LOVE COKE!

w00t!

COCA-COLA FOR THE WIN!

200th post - 5 Stars

2009-06-06T10:46:00.002+08:00

My 5 Stars,

whenever i see either one of you,
being actually happy in life,
i'm glad,
i didn't want that moment to end,
whether it was me or someone else that made you guys happy,
i still didn't want that moment to end,

for then,
you won't be sulking anymore,
because he never gave you what you want,
and you won't be upset anymore,
with the things in life that you've always kept inside,
and you won't be bored anymore,
because she finally wanted you back,
and you won't be really sad anymore,
because we finally had something worked out,
and our friendship/relationship/tie is getting stronger and stronger everyday,
and of course you,
won't be having to take a step back all the time anymore,
because you've avoided yourself from girls who are too dependant.

Talk about good love man.

Hey 5 stars,
it's not the days that when you're unhappy that matters,
it's the days when you're HAPPY that really matters.
Take it all in,
breathe it,
live it,
and when a bad day comes,
we'll be even more ready,
for a better day,
to absorb every moment of it,
and then keep it in my minds.

You guys,
are like
family.
<3
and family,
sticks together,
we will,
stick together.

(insert picture here, we don't have one picture with all of us :( *HINT*)

Camp

2009-06-03T00:14:00.002+08:00

Went out of the library to take a breather today,

the library was lit,
but outside it was pitch black,
weather was cold,
floor was wet,
it rained before.

I had a very nostalgic feeling.

Camping days,
we stayed up all night under the rain,
digging up holes for the A-tent,
building gadgets with bamboos and rafia strings.

The early morning exercises,
putting on random people's shoes,
the whistle calls,
the pumpings,
the duck walks,
the toilet-washing.

The morning inspections.

Everything bombarded my mind in a split millisecond.

Once a scout, always a scout.

I wish..

I had taken more of those moments in,
when i was there.

War

2009-06-02T01:05:00.003+08:00

This is war.

I declare war.

With the books. that is.

I shall trump my every exam.

With pride.

I will win this time.

"Just because i'm losing,
doesn't mean i lost,
doesn't mean i'll stop,
doesn't mean i will cross"
Coldplay- Lost!

sidenote,
when all of these distractions for my mind wears off,
what do i do then?

Does it mean,
that i'll lose again?

Lost

2009-06-01T00:19:00.001+08:00

Lost ones.

I lost many,
still losing many,
many losing me,

we lose,

we lost each other.

no more each other,
for one another,

and then,
we are all alone,

because we lost,
one another.

We're losing,
one another.

It was a losing situation after all.

We lost.

Constant

2009-05-31T10:46:00.005+08:00

How does it feel like for you,
if life is just a routine?
Everyday, we do the same things,
looking for the same (cheap) thrills.

Do you worry a lot?
Do you worry every single minute of your life?
Afraid that you might hurt someone's feelings,
with your actions or words,
or even mere presence?

you feel the need to be inspired,
to be able to respect,
to be able to follow someone's footsteps.

it's about time,
to step out of this circle you call your comfort zone,
because life is getting boring,
if it's just a routine.

On a totally different topic,
i'm glad that most of the people you took granted for,
have finally came to realise,
you're not worth the pain, the sacrifices, the burden,
and ultimately,
their love..

The Solution

2009-05-25T02:31:00.001+08:00

I think....

To sleep.

is to run away.

Good solution.

Good night.

She Knew It Was Coming

2009-05-22T05:25:00.004+08:00

She knew it was coming,
she could sense it was coming,
every little hint, every little sign,
emerged,
she knew it was coming.

Every single time,
she was at her tippity top,
it came ,
crashing down on her,
it spoilt her day.

she knew it was coming,
she felt a little twinge in her stomach.

and suddenly,
she felt faint,
she knew she couldn't take it.
She had to find,
a solution,
before it gets worse.

As she ponders around,
with the short and easy way to her left,
and the hard and long way to her right,
she knew if she took the path to her left,
it would be detrimental,
she had no gain,
she wouldn't feel like she was strong enough to face it.

So,
she took the harder and longer way.
It hurt,
She was hurting so bad,
no one could help her,
she wants to go back,
she doesn't want to walk this path anymore,
but the doors behind are closed.

She had to be strong,
She knows she'll break through,
she's done this more often than she had imagined,
she knows she's halfway through.

She'll continue through this journey.
She know she'll have to go through it again,
so she picks herself up.
both hands on where she is hurting,
she let time pass,
as time passes and as she walks along that bloody path.

She sees the light,
what she was walking on felt dry again.
It didn't hurt anymore.

She went on living,
she was happy again,
she was at her tippity top again,
then,
she saw it coming.

She knows it's coming.
It's just that bloody cycle in life,
that she cannot,
for anyone's sake,
avoid it.

This Is How It Feels Like To Be OBSESSED

2009-05-10T13:33:00.003+08:00

So,
i'm alone at home,
on a fucking Sunday,
trying to do my freaking assignment,
which i am not getting anywhere to,
because
i hate the loneliness,
the fact that i have to do this assignment on my own in my community,
the fact that no one can discuss with me about it,
the fact that people around me are not stressing together with me.

fuck
i'm selfish.
and it disgusts me.

TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE ON THIS.

RAWR

SOMEONE TALK TO ME ONLINE IF NOT I WILL GO MAD

It Feels Like The World Is Closing Down On Us

2009-05-09T19:27:00.002+08:00

I'm not used to this,
I'm not used to being surrounded by people who i care,
and vice-versa,
yet it feels like there's a REALLY large trench that we dug for ourselves,
in between us,
you digging your side and i digging mine,
it became from what seemed to be a borderline,
to a monsoon drain.

The water flows in between us,
if we cross,
the water will take us away,
at least that's what we think.
BUT will it really?

Can we all please please please,
talk about this,
I want to make amends,
I want to stop feeling like this.

I want to stop feeling like I have nobody,
when I know I still have.

Anyone of you guys?
My other family?
Can anyone hear me out please?

We expect too much from each other,
I don't want to put on a facade anymore.
Please..

Stupid Concept

2009-05-07T01:56:00.004+08:00

Where the hell does trust come from?
How the heck do you earn someone's trust?
Do you have to do it with time?
What if the only thing that you can't afford is time?

I have a stupid concept.
Where the world should continue trusting until they cannot bring themselves to trust anymore.
your trust might be betrayed in the past,
but without a doubt, everyone, including yourself has done that.

But if the world stops trusting,
it might lead to not knowing what honesty means anymore.

I hate the situation we're all in right now,
the people that I thought I mattered to,
don't seem to need me anymore.
The people that I thought matters to me,
don't trust enough to know that I care,
that I, from the bottom of my heart,
wants to be of help, to support, to care.

My heart is now STILL recuperating,
from a blessing in disguise 5 years ago.
It is now enough to help me love others to love myself.
I can only do that through people.

Please.
The people who I care, and care for me.
Let me love you,
so that I can learn to love myself.

I feel as though what we have now is so fragile,
that a single world might shatter it,
hold it too tight it'll crush,
hold it too light it'll drift apart.

Just when you thought a wonderful friendship is established,
ready to move on the stage,
where you're going to be there for the friend rain or shine,
SINCERELY,
and not out of obligation,
it just isn't so.

We all say life's unfair, life sucks.
But when you look beneath the surface,
beneath all the excuses, the lies we give to ourselves, the facades we put on when we look into our reflection,
you will all realise,
what we get in life, all started from the decisions that we have made.

Stupid concept.
stupid but I'm going to continue doing it anyway.

I might get hurt easily,
but I don't get hurt long.
I'm the best punchbag laid out in front of you ready for your blows (that i definitely can take),
and you leave me to collect dust.

Thank you very much, friend.

Friend.

What's your definition for the word friend anyways?

"No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones who pay.."

So I Had A Dream Again..

2009-01-29T19:02:00.003+08:00

And this time it was just like the ones that I had in Melbourne,
disturbing.
I dreamed that the people I was close to,
were not exactly able to accept me for the bitch that I am,
falling in and out ever so often.

Lyddie Widdie, my precious Lyddie Widdie,
was scolding me,
telling me how much of a bitch i was,
and what i did was disgusting, and a disgrace.

It was awful,
then the rest scolded me the same.
And then I turned to him,
asked him,
was I really that bad of a person,
would you still love me?

He replied,
that yes, I was a bitch,
what I did was disgusting,
and probably something a person that has no heart would do,
and then, he turned away,
with the rest of my Palmie friends,
and walked away.

And they never turned back.
They never did.

These dreams seem to real.
I cannot bear to go to sleep again.
I hope tonight it gets better.
I really do.

No I Am Not Doing Any Reflection Throughout Year 2008

2009-01-04T00:39:00.002+08:00

Because everything,
surprisingly is still, clear as crystal on my mind.

Today,
I decided to take things that i hid in my closet,
literally,
that reminded me of him,
and got rid of it all physically.

It might not be as clean emotionally as it is now physically,
but if everyone is starting the year anew.
I guess this is my way of starting a new year.

With friends who loves me more than ever,
and me loving them back,
and a wonderful other half that makes me feel ever so grown up,
and allowing me to lean on his shoulder whenever i want to.

I miss all of you truly and dearly,
like from the bottom of my heart.

And by friends i include my beloved housemates and cousins.

Remember.. Remember

2008-12-21T03:32:00.002+08:00

So I've been going back to the past late at night,
when I finally get to lay back and think for my own,
not my brothers, my grandmother, nor the maid.

And I've realised how much I actually do love my scouting years,
they were not just said because everyone says so,
but I really do loved those times,
because most of it made me who I am today.

I'm grateful for my disturbingly small, but wonderful circle of friends,
who made me feel as though I have never left,
as though I still am part of their lives,
even though I am not playing a very important role anymore.

Haven't been doing as much of self-reflection and thinking as I have before,
I don't know whether to be thankful,
or worried,
because I don't want to stop growing up.

Anyways, I've received my letter of offer from Deakin today.

I think I've made my decision,
I cannot recall,
but I remember someone telling me,
that everything that happens,
seems to be fate.

Albeit it being uncanny,
and seemingly as though I am pushing blame to the supernatural,
I really really think,
maybe it doesn't really matter anymore.
Maybe this is really where I want to go.

Maybe.

Tell me I haven't stop growing up,
because I want to know,
that how I'm thinking right now,
is the rational thoughts of a young woman,
and not rash decisions made by a teenage girl anymore.

Great... Just Great..

2008-12-14T21:34:00.001+08:00

What did I do wrong.

I guess this is my limit.

I'm that dumb.

For all those out there wondering,
waiting to see what do i have in store of me,
I'm a useless, and dumb,

and not going to be a melbourne university student.

So go ahead,
laugh your heads off,
and look down on me,
because I am THAT dumb.

So This Is How It's Going To Help

2008-12-05T16:17:00.002+08:00

Take a deep breath in now...

Things are going to be as it was before.
Things that brought us into disagreements,
will drift away,
i hope.

no grudges,
to leave wonderful memories,
when we part.

There might be a chance,
that we might not be seeing each other anymore,
might not be hanging out together anymore.

Deep breath now,
Things will be better.

I hope..

So.. This Is What Holiday Means?

2008-12-05T01:49:00.002+08:00

Dear Flying Chicken,

I SO GET WHAT YOU MEAN RIGHT NOW.

even here in melbourne i'm practically rotting away,
procrastinating in cleaning the house and packing up.

Not good man.

I was just thinking today,
if in Melbourne also rot like hell,
what more in Malaysia?

I'm going to grab you people who are in my little circle of friends,
lug you around wherever i feel like going,
until you feel bored of me ^.^

Holidays
are
so not cool.

I'm breaking out now. AFTER EXAMS.

my mum is going to scold me for not taking care of my face again..

AND shit,
I have shitloads to clean.

TIME TO THROW ALL THE PAPERS AWAY!!!!!!!

*twirls*

HurHurHur!!

2008-12-01T14:51:00.003+08:00

Guess.

what.

?

I am one freaking lucky and loved girl

mm hmm..

YUMMY!!!

what a day.

My First iPod.

on the 1st of December.

^.^ v

Thank you swigglewiggless!!!

TAHAN!!!!!

2008-11-30T03:26:00.003+08:00

one more day.
one more day of hardcore productive studying!
....
..
..

until more hardcore studying in uni. zomg.

Throughout this whole examination period,
I've realised,

That I can go on days and days without sleep,
and not falling sick.
O.o

That I can actually self-study, without tuition.. for Chemistry at least.

That I should make more notes during lectures, makes studying 100000000 times easier.

That I tend to get at least a million revelations(not in the divine way though, unfortunately) self-studying.

That my pimples don't come out as much when I don't get enough sleep these few days.
Why is that so?

That I can actually study on my own.

That studying actually is quite fun... well.. for Chemistry at least.. (I don't think I'm being sarcastic here)

That everyone's mood is SO temperamental it's not even funny. One minute it's high, the other minute is low, no one (for me at least) even dares to speak to anyone

That Neopets and Dota(surprisingly) is a good stress reliever.

That I can make awesome Nescafe without it tasting weird.

That my appetite will grow so small I don't know what hunger means anymore.

That camwhoring is also another AWESOME form a stress reliever.

That I really like studying Chemistry.

Wow

I also realised,
that having just a final exam,
that will determine the future of the rest of your life (unless you have money to get a second chance, which i unfortunately, don't have the privilege),
will make me realise so many things!

As we can all clearly see,
someone is evidently,
going mad.

lastdaylastdaylastdaylastday!!!

TAHHHHHAAAAANNNN!!!!

'zis is my camwhore partner/BFF, zhen zhen.
He just got robbed yesterday. bloody fat white guy bully my BFF. >=O
We is camwhore alot together.
Funny thing is, we don't have cameras, so our pictures all ends up in other people's cameras!
HAHA!

KTHXBAI

I Do Not Blog About Shakespeare And Stuff...

2008-11-28T15:56:00.004+08:00

Stupid PeakSheng/Jonathan/JonoWono/JonnyWonny/Peako/... what else is there?

So,
i'm bored,
home alone,
and I've been tagged.
Besides, Chemistry is driving me mad.

My Top 5 Most Favorite Food
- CHILLI PAN MEE
- cakes. super sinful cakes
- Salmon, be it smoked, raw, cooked.
- Maggie Mee. (heh)
- Gippsland Yoghurt with Fruity Bites. ZOMGORGASMINTHEMOUTH.

10 Things I Love Doing
- pulling my hair and going mad while figuring out what is pi bond and sigma bond for chemistry
- going to the apple website every time i turn the computer, stare at the ipod nano. and drool.
- NEOPETS .FTW
- saying a phrase way too often, then influencing others to say it as often as i do too. X)
- music.music.music
- looking at johnny depp before i go to bed
- drinking coffee... ..... ... yes. i love drinking coffee
- watching any sort of movies on Astro, now on youtube
- going crazy and retarded with my housemates and friends
- Trying to decorate my room into a fantasy butterfly room, but to no avail.....................

Things I Love Doing When I'm Emo
- Write like Shakespeare (according to idiot) in here
- Stone (and somehow affect the people around me.. -.-)
- Using it as an excuse to indulge in sinful but good food and shopping
- Sing like a madwoman

5 Things I Love Doing When I'm Happy
- Jump around, twirl, draw butterflies and rainbows like a child
- Listen to music music music
- Make others happy
- Sing like a madwoman
- Annoy people. Not that I don't annoy them when I'm not happy. but oh well.

5 Things I Wish To Happen
- I knew what pi bond and sigma bond is.
- the room suddenly miraculously turns into a fantasy room with pink colours and butterfly decos
- chemistry paper would be so damn easy i can cry
- Technical fault at Arrow(exam hall) next Monday when chem paper is about to start
- I could be a butterfly

My Top 5 Addicted Songs
- Tear by Red Hot Chilli Peppers
- I Could Die For You by Red Hot Chilli Peppers
- Lolita by Throw Me The Statue
- 7 weeks by Gym Class Heroes
- Time To Pretend by MGMT

5 Persons I Wish To Tag
- Flying Chicken (because you're rotting during your holidays, literally)
- LyddieWiddie (because I believe this will go round the Palmerston community like your meme. I think)
- Tinker Ting (because she never update her blog)

SEE I'M SUCH A NICE FRIEND. I TAG YOU LA.
- My Brother (who has a spoilt computer currently)
- no one else in particular. I'm just doing this to show that I DO NOT blog about shakespeare and stuff, what on earth is "stuff" anyways?

hmmf.

chem chem chem chem chem

"Science is safe"

RAWR.

Note To Self

2008-11-28T00:38:00.002+08:00

SLEEP

verb, slept, sleep⋅ing, noun –verb (used without object)

1. to take the rest afforded by a suspension of voluntary bodily functions and the natural suspension, complete or partial, of consciousness; cease being awake.

I know everyone knows what it means.
I just need to remind myself.
We are walking zombies.
I don't even remember how it feels like to have a good night sleep anymore.

On the bright side,
no frightening dreams,
on the down side,
i'm physically tired,
very.
But every time i close my eyes, my brains are awake,
So,
I get up from bed,
and continue reading.
I'm tired.
Wouldn't it be a sight to see for my parents.
Me studying like a dog.

I look like crap.
Dark circles, eye bags, pimples.
OH MY GOODNESS.

I Have 2 Of My Favourite People

2008-11-23T14:56:00.004+08:00

I have 2 of my favourite people at my place now.

I cannot feel any happier than this. :)

Now,
if only i can find other means to get the rest of my favourite people here.

*runs and plots evil plan*

I Remembered..

2008-11-23T10:03:00.002+08:00

When you left this morning,
without asking me whether I wanted to join,
probably because you cared,
I thought about what I would do if i was back at home.

I remembered,
how my mum would get tired of waiting for me to wake up,
then she would just leave.

I remember,
I'd throw a tantrum,
picking up the phone,
and demanding my mum to answer me.
why she left without me.

Or,
if not,
some times,
i would just wake up and the house was empty.
And I'd call,
teary-eyed,
for god knows what reasons,
and ask her where they went,
without me.

This time I cannot pick up the phone,
call you,
and demand you to bring me along.
Because you're not my mum.

Mummy, I miss you.

I Think The Sky Looks Pink

2008-11-20T11:02:00.001+08:00

I'm glad things are better now.
Sorry I've been taking things for granted.

I think it's the lack of sleep.
I have deduced that I have slept for less than 24 hours this week.

I think I'm hallucinating.
This whole week feels like a dream.
Every time i close my eyes for a "power nap"
the whole world turned in to a deep blue sea,
and I'm floating on it.

This lack of sleep thing,
rocks.

The sky is pink!

Maybe..

2008-11-17T21:19:00.003+08:00

Maybe..
the people i thought,
who would understand,
would,

but it turns out,
not many would.

Why am I so afraid of being judged?

Have I no control in my life,
and my decisions,
without it being influenced by other opinions?

Maybe,
it's no use,
showing any of you.
how i feel deep down inside anymore.

I'm very very very very very
disappointed.

And I only have my roommate
to relate to.

I don't think,
anyone else would understand.

Maybe,
i'm not showing anymore.
of my feelings.
what's the point anyways?

Had I Not Known...

2008-11-15T18:33:00.002+08:00

I don't think I ever wanted people,
especially you,
to compare me,
with her.

I don't play tricks anymore.
Why would I have told you about them if i ever wanted to,
on you,
especially.

You're making me confused.
I don't know,
what's right from you,
and what's wrong anymore.

What is?
When will you tell me?
Tell me,
did you ever, EVER,
compare me,
with her?

Inspiration

2008-11-13T01:20:00.006+08:00

Today,
I was inspired by rap.
Literature can never be better.

-Gym Class Heroes

I want colours back in my life. I want dreams, not nightmares.

To die-to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
-Hamlet by William Shakespeare

I love words.
letters to words to sentences,
to beautiful structure of words,
poems.

I MISS MY FAMILY SO MUCH..

2008-11-12T16:43:00.003+08:00

It's not even funny.

i like this picture, though it was godknowshowlongago, and the two stupidboys looks so different now. one fatter than before, the other thinner. O.o

I want to fight with my two stupid brothers,
swim with TunJie, and join forces with him in attempting to drag TunXiang down the water too.
I want to squeeze the stupid fat baby's cheeks and FATS!
I want to scold the stupid fat baby for being irritating and noisy.
I want to tickle FattyJ until he looks helpless, (which by the way, takes less than 5 seconds to achieve!)
I want to go Clearwater Sanctuary with my stupid brothers,
and do all sorts of shit,
this time, we will camwhore more.
i don't care.

I want to make my brothers eat at the hawker center,
every time they attempt to use me as an excuse to eat "good food",
when Papa and Mummy asks us to make a decision! :P
I wanna hug baby so tight till he suffocates,
and I have to stop because Papa or Mummy will ask me to.

I want to quarrel with my Mum,
she makes me feel alive.
I love my mum,
more than anything in the world.
I love the way I can share about my,
little ups and downs,
and vice-versa.

I MISS MY FAMILY SO MUCH.
It's not even funny.

CAN THE TWO OF YOU STUPID BROTHERS,
STOP IGNORING ME ON MSN/BLOCKING ME?!

COME ONLINE AND ENTERTAIN YOUR SISTER NOW!

>=(

I miss the both of you alot,
i really hope my presence is always missed,
and i am never forgotten.

Slight Intervention

2008-11-10T21:07:00.002+08:00

I don't think I need this kind of shit right now.
Every fiber of my soul creeps up to me,
haunting me,
telling me what I've done wrong,
and then there was,
the feeling that I've (once again) wrecked another soul,
diffusing ever so painfully and slowly towards the bottom,
of my heart,
where it hurts most.

I never intended this to happen.
What happened?
What did I do wrong this time?

Every time I look into those words,
that change ever so much,
yet lie along the same lines,
I felt this really irritating feeling beneath my left shoulder.

Why do stupid things like these,
always,
ALWAYS,
have to come up at the absolute wrong moments?

If only,
I could stop trying to save them,
and not myself,
if only,
I could stop feeling bad,
for something that,
I really did not do wrong.

Why?
Why do I still feel that tinge of,
i don't even know the right word for it this time.

It does not make sense anymore.

This Is How Melbourne Changed People

2008-11-07T14:50:00.002+08:00

So I've realised,

Many of us,
who came to Melbourne, or rather to Trinity College,
has changed in certain ways.

Melbourne made many of us,
a coffee addict,

think that we can be an almost-shakespeare,

make us more grateful when the sun is up,

made many of us more vain,
checking out our reflections on every reflective surface there is ever.

made us realised we need friends more than ever,
to keep us sane.

and to some of the others,
relate to their "someone superior above" better.

Melbourne,
Oh Melbourne.
What hast thou done to us?

I Have Forgotten

2008-11-02T00:15:00.002+08:00

many things that i have never wanted to,
as I tried to take a glimpse at the past,
as bleak as it was to how my future is going to be,
i really wanted to remember,
how it was like before.

To compare,
was what I had to face before worse than it is now?
Or,
was it always the same things that have been bothering me?
Why?
do we as humans, tend to keep letting things,
as little as a slight hiccup in life bother you?

Are all the grieving and the sighing worth it?
all the self inflicted unhappiness?
all the self-pity?

all the,
attention seeking?

I honestly,
do not want to be who i am now,
with negative traits that tend to get on other people's nerves,
but,
I cannot help it.

And I really really do think,
and feel,
more than I've ever felt,
that I'm a parasite.

Run people,
before i eat on you,
until you have nothing left for me to be eaten.

I don't want to forget,
but I can't remember,
what happened in the past,
that made me want to forget things so much.
Remind me again?
or maybe..
not.

Incompetent much?

2008-10-29T16:58:00.002+08:00

Today,
I took a piss,
got up and out from the cubicle,
and the world was blank,
literally,
i knew my eyes were open, but i couldn't see anything.
i rushed back to the toilet seat,
as a blind person,
but temporarily.
i blinked harder than ever to get rid of the blurriness.

When things came back to a clear vision,
I realised i broke out into a cold sweat.
I don't know what happened.
If I died in my sleep i guess the doctor could use this as a symptom for some disease lethal,
as an excuse that i did not kill myself.

Today,
I learnt about appearance vs. reality.
I feel like a parasite to everyone around me,
be it a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member.
a parasite,
in society,
wasting space, doing nothing,
a parasite,
among my circle of friends,
words come out of my mouth,
feelings unpacked like a whore.
a parasite,
even in the household,
incompetent,
in every single thing i do.
other than to eat, sleep, and play.

So,
tell me,
what was I ever good at?
At being a friend?
A sister?
A cousin?
A daughter?
A student?

The more i look myself in the mirror,
the more I see myself morph into the shape of a parasite,
eating on others,
living on others.

Why is it so hard to be a human being?
You go through the trouble,
trying to help someone in need,
you do it voluntarily,
yet you want recognition,
because that person does not know how much effort,
it took you to help that person.
BUT,
you can't tell about how much of an effort it was,
because you did it voluntarily,
you were helping,
yet you feel unappreciated.
So how now?
you can't go neither left nor right,
it's either you hurt yourself, or the person.
Which would you prefer?

I wanna be selfish.
Tell me I'm allowed to.

I wanna keep the people I like,
in one small round circle,
and stay with them forever,
and they lose their memory when I want to repeat about the things that are bothering me.

I wish I had divine powers.

Who Do You Turn To

2008-10-28T22:36:00.004+08:00

But yourself?

Because,
there's no one in the whole world,
who knows you better than yourself.

You want to tell people about you,
but you worry about impression.
Because that's how our stupid lives work,
revolving around what you are afraid others might think of you,
despite telling yourself that you don't care,
and you just want to be yourself.

You're not what you are,
to others,
You're what you want to be,
to others.

Who tells of their imperfections?
and their flaws?
Do you even realise your flaws to begin with?
If only,
self-reflection involves a talking mirror.
So you don't have to do all the thinking on your own.

He asked,
"If you could be anything in the world what would you be?"
I hesitated,
then i typed as though my hands had a life of its own.
"A satirical writer, or one who makes movie trailers..... or a drama teacher. "

But wait,
snap back to reality darling,
you need to have talents for that,
don't you?

Self reflection my arse.

Where's the best friend when you need one?

Not there.
It's probably karma. Have I not been there for a friend in need?
I don't know anymore.

I miss my mum,
my papa,
and my brothers.
ALOT.

Isn't It Nice?

2008-10-25T21:35:00.004+08:00

To have someone know,
what to get,
what you want because you need it,
rather than something that you want,
but don't need it?

I still think it's wonderful,
to have someone know you so well.
Thank you, B.

On a random note,
I'm a weirdo with five colours in my hair.

And,
almost everyone is on hiatus.
I don't know how they survive,
I'll die,
especially at times like these.

Inappropriate, Improper, Whatever

2008-10-24T14:30:00.003+08:00

Post is not in proper English, screw it.

Waliao,
I was going to talk about how fucking insignificant I felt yesterday,
in a fucking flowery kind of English lor,
but then,

what the hell,

talk,
cannot,
don't talk,
also cannot.

Then how?

Wah,
How ah?
Live and act to how others want you to wor?
You do that la ya?
I continue being,
the fucking obnoxious irritating person I am.
Sorry la,
being too close to comfort.
Maybe I should just be the annoying person I am,
to a doll hor?
Better?

Cannot tahan ah?
Too bad lah.

I also cannot tahan.

What Time Of The Year Is It Again?

2008-10-21T01:11:00.005+08:00

It's 4 in the morning again,
I tried to see if the thought of Jimmy would visit me again,
but I guess I tried too hard.

He probably couldn't float up above all of us plain human beings again,
because of me.
While waiting for Jimmy to visit,
I was thinking of things that happened in the past.
Little bits and pieces that I forgotten.

If this blog dies.
I think the most essential part of my youth that made me what I am today,
will die.
And then,
I will die together.

Maybe it's not a bad thing,
to die.
After all,
in life, the only certainty we have,
is death.

I hear the birds,
are we close to death yet?

Why do we strive so hard?
I want symmetry in this beautiful ugly world.

Tiffany told me,
that we take people close to us for granted.
We do.
We need to change the world.

Maybe an apocalypse will be for the better after all.

Today,
I was enlightened,
by death....
The irony...

I don't have a problem.

Literature has officially taken its toll on me.
I think.

I do not write poetry.

Jimmy at 4 in the morning

2008-10-20T01:11:00.004+08:00

I was just thinking about Jimmy, though I never knew anyone by the name of Jimmy,
my whole 18 years of life.

He's an amazing person,
witty and fun,
and yet he knows where the limit is to stop fooling around.
And he also knows when it's time to be serious.

Jimmy's a wonderful person,
he lets silly little things deviate him from his goals momentarily,
and yet he is still able to achieve them when the moment comes.

His eyes so intriguing,
like falling into the deep blue sea,
where everything is so calm and the only thing you can hear loudest is your own heartbeat,
and his of course.

The first time he came to me,
his first words was,
"Any sugar for your Flat White?"

I wonder if he remembers how many pebbles i threw at his window pane,
and my failed attempt in trying to not show any interest in his brainless jokes.
and the times where we had our little English tea party,
while we fooled around in failed British accent.
He did better than I though,
imitating the accent.

In fact,
Jimmy did Everything better,
than me, that is.

Jimmy smiles,
and the world smiles back,
he waves,
and the world waves back.

Jimmy looks good in a pink shirt,
I think.

And Jimmy is..
well
Jimmy floats, and no human in the world can pull him down,
like a balloon filled with helium,
he soars above the rest,
above all the human race,

but..

I am sinking him in my head.

And then,
Jimmy falls,
he is now among us.
Plain, bland, human beings.

I wished he could float again.
But I'll still sink him in my head.

Who Knew That We Could Relate To Shakespeare

2008-10-14T21:59:00.003+08:00

" I do believe you think what now you speak;
But what we do determine, oft we break.
Purpose is but the slave to memory,
Of violent birth but poor validity,
Which now, the fruit unripe, sticks on the tree,
But fall unshaken when they mellow be.
Most necessary 'tis we forget
To pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt.
What to ourselves in passion we propose,
The passion ending, doth the purpose lose...."
-Hamlet, by William Shakespeare

Despite the flowery language,
I never knew that I could relate to what Shakespeare has to tell the world.

"Don't be afraid," she says,
"Never fear ink."

This Time.. Words Are Not Enough

2008-10-13T07:03:00.002+08:00

the planning,
the surprises,
the gifts.

best of all,
the friendships,
and the love.

i love my living room now,
of pink streamers
and balloons hanging.
<3

and there's something about having more than 1 cake,
for my birthdays.
I think my friends are secretly planning an evil plot
to make me fatter than i already am.
hmm.

Thank you to my cousins/housemates and my friends for making me feel like a princess.

I don't think there are any right words to put to describe my feelings this time.

I really really appreciate the time, money and effort spent solely just on me.

So, this is how it feels like to be 18 eh?
Not much difference also.
I still feel like I want to be a child
hah.

Wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world
-William James

I Feel Like A Princess

2008-10-11T21:49:00.004+08:00

I stripped from my tight jeans,

and clingy top,

put on my little black dress,

my super high heels.

strut around in the bedroom,

twirling around,

almost as if i know how to ballroom dance.

and i fall back on my bed,

as though i am in cloud 9.

I feel

Like a Princess.

A gothic, emo, princess, to be exact.

Just because,
I want to feel like one.

All i need now,
is a tiara.

`Le sigh

If Only It Was That Easy, Sweetie..

2008-10-09T23:54:00.003+08:00

Foolish or stupid?
To think that you can overcome the rain and all disasters bound to come,
just because you're on cloud 9?

You said things like that,
just because you're letting your emotions cloud your perception.

I cannot wait for you,
to one day wake up and look in the mirror,
and start facing your real emotions,
instead of telling yourself it'll be okay.

It's exactly the waste of precious time,
that's partly the cause of all this.
Don't all humans just need that sense of
self-pity and sympathy from others?

Here's some reality check,
Because this is just the start of the roller coaster ride.
Wait till you go up and down and round and round
and come out with a really bad motion sickness.
Yes, it was thrilling.
But there will be the time when you tell yourself you never want to go to the same
roller coaster ride anymore.
because everyone hates that fucking nauseating feeling,
no?
If you don't,
it's safe to say,
you're either bulimic,
or you're probably not human at all!

Till then,
can you only tell again,
about how much you despise the attention seeking people.

kthxbai.

-this post is by no means referring to anyone but the author's thought on a particular... dream. don't get all cranky now, thinking it was you and all.

Stolen Songs

2008-10-06T17:53:00.004+08:00

Stay.

shy sneaking up
sarcasm
socks
silly strong
soaring

shells
sex
sand
sleep skins shirts.

she misses
sentimental emotional
strange
really strange.
aftertaste.

stop. time. then.

was a dream, wasn't it?

I miss..

2008-09-30T00:37:00.001+08:00

home.

scouts.

higher results.

people i can depend a lot on.

being a child.

No One Knows

2008-09-13T23:53:00.004+08:00

We celebrate,
we envy,
when we receive or buy something that costs half the value of our pay check.
We want what's the latest,
we want what's the fanciest.

We are never content with what we have,
We always want more.
When did the world started changing,
to one that revolves around materialism.

The more I try interpreting
my dreams,
the more I feel as though I'm forced to go through,
a hard time in life again,
emotionally,
in my dreams.
It does not inflict physical pain on me.
But I'm tired.
I finally feel the fatigue,
as though i have not slept for a whole week.

It doesn't help,
to come back to a place where I cannot call home.
I cannot stand the loneliness here,
it just make things worse.
when I'm at "home".
The quiet nights,
the quiet day,
there isn't any noise.

I want to live in a world,
where everyone does not revolve around materialism,
consciously or subconsciously.
I want people to feed on what we learn emotionally,
everyday,
be it what made you happy or sad,
not the things you own, but events and incidents.

I want the world to see,
life,
so beautiful,
in it's disfigured way.

No one can invent anything made out of plastics or metal,
as ugly yet beautiful as life.
I don't know what's the point of this post.
Just thought you should know,
that i'm surprised that,
a conversation,
could be started with something made out of metal,
that costs a fortune.
And, everyone so envious,
as though it went through shit in life.

It did not.
Too bad.
What happened to the world?
Where we try to tell each other,
we care and love them with all our hearts.
Not anymore.
because we buy affection with money now.
We buy friendship with money now.

Who started all this?

IT'S NOT OKAY

2008-09-11T20:45:00.002+08:00

Why does everyone, including my parents,
take my dreams so lightly?
IT'S NOT OKAY.

it's not okay,
just because it's a dream,
and it "will not happen"

it's not okay,
just because I didn't dream about my family leaving me alone,
but just my friends,
and it "will not happen"

IT'S NOT OKAY,
because if it was,
I wouldn't tell any of you how upset I feel,
when I have these dreams,
how it disturbs me when I sleep,
how it totally affects my mood when I wake up from bed.

It's not freaking okay,
when I try to tell friends or family,
how upset I feel when I get these dreams,
and I get brushed off,
because it was taken lightly,
just because they are dreams,
means they are not real,
means I SHOULD NOT BE AFFECTED?

it's not okay,
when I had one dream about being left alone,
what more to have 3 in a row?
With different people in my life,
either not befriending me anymore,
or leaving me alone in a caricatural way?

Do I talk so blandly and emotionless,
that no one can tell that I'm actually hurting behind what I say?
I'm sorry that I never talked about what I really dream of,
but so what?
Do you really have to know what I dream of,
to be compared to yours,
to see the severity of its consequences?
Are my words here doing any better to illustrate that ache?
Can I transfer this pain to any of you,
from any medium,
be it speech or words?
Please?

Can you feel that IT'S NOT OKAY?

IT'S NOT FREAKING OKAY.

Curiosity... Kills...

2008-09-10T22:41:00.003+08:00

1. There are 30 questions.
2. Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits.
3. Answer one question with one name.
4. Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme.
(PS: If you agree to do the meme, then I'll send you the questions.)

1. Li-Shen
2. Nicky/Horng Shiann
3. Giselle Bundchen. So i can exploit and call it art
4. Tinker Ting. Anyone would agree to this. X)
5. omg. took me a while. DAN DAN. my gosh. when he starts to "suan" people. NON-STOP MAN.
6. Nikko
7. Debra Fong. In college that is.
8. Tiffany Chin. Definitely you Tiff. Like BFF&E&E&E&E&E(forever and ever and ever and ever..)
9. Sigmund. We've been doing that a lot. I love his company.
10. Eelin/ Che Lin. HAHA. It's A SIGN! :)
11. Aik Sha! I hope you're reading this. JUSTINA TELL HER, HER NAME APPEARED
12. My mum. No one else but her.
13. I don't really think I want to know anyone like that.
14.Tiffany and Sigmund respectively.
15. I wanted to say Adrian. But I figured Henry would be sexier XD
16. Sigmund
17. Me definitely. Next to me, JOY!
18. TIFF! DEFINITELY TIFF! ^.^
19. Shawn Lim/ Nina! no one else man.
20. Yeong Shen.
21. Fei Ying. hahahahahaha. maybe smaller.
22. Tiffany
23. Shawn Lim/Nina :P (just because I was stuck as your ass. for godknows how long.)
24. I think it'd be more likely for me to kill them first
25. Lydia. Haha. I know right.
26. I doubt I have anything with to succeed in that.
27. EeLin/ Che Lin. She reminded me about the unconditional love.
28. Nikko!
29. Nikko. HAHAHAA. Sig, Jon, Zhen Yip and Zboi would laugh. :P
30. Figured we all needed a bit of laughs and curiosity kills. You wanna know why your names are here don't you ? :P

I still want to sing my heart out,
I need beautiful words to depict these horrible feelings
that i can't describe myself.
I need a mind reader.

Is It Wrong

2008-09-10T00:28:00.003+08:00

to feel better knowing that someone's doing a lot worse than you are?

Is it wrong,
to feel grateful when compared to people of the less capable?

or,

to be yourself in front of everyone else and not want to be called a child?

or, maybe,

to avoid a certain topic in a conversation because you cannot put words to it?

How do you know

that I was judging, when my intentions weren't that?
I'm holding a grudge,
I never usually do,
but I cannot get over the fact that you turned away just like that.

Can I feel the way I want and not listen to people telling me to do otherwise?

What are these little hints of something/someone more superior around me?

Did I ever discriminate when I thought I didn't?

Why do I have to hold back my rantings and not bother others when I'm in need?
Oh wait. Yeah. I couldn't put how i felt or what I'm going through in specific words.

What are dreams about?
Are they real?
Are they reflections of your inner thoughts that you hide deep down in your mind?

Why can't you just close your eyes? Dammit.

I want to sing my heart out, emotionally, and show the whole world, I'm deeper than this.

One Too Many Puns

2008-09-09T02:53:00.002+08:00

Note to self :
You made really pun-ny jokes today.
Your mood fluctuated like the economy gone crazy
You are still afraid to close your eyes
You realised who you really can relate to even though you've only known them for less than a year
You had 4.2frikkin5 out of 5 for your drama performance
You did 18 integration questions in 5 hours, that makes it an average of 16 mins per question!

You feel like you're disintegrating. (no pun intended)

That was all my "note to self"

So please,

Don't ask.

Hushed with a finger,
don't say you'll never when you might,
or just another time,
This poison comes instruction free,
Do what you want, but I'm drinking.
-Disintegration by Jimmy Eat World

You Know..

2008-09-07T17:24:00.005+08:00

That feeling is almost nauseating.
Having to face your temperamental moments,
even when I did not do anything.
Probably doing nothing was the cause.
But, you got to remember,
that I'm also only but human.

Do whatever you do,
but why does it have to affect me?
If you are upset for me doing nothing,
or doing anything.
At least tell me?

A little reminder for you

I don't read minds
and
The world does not freaking revolve around you.

I'm sorry that I'm being very blunt and confronting.
And I'm not looking for fights because I'd probably forget about it after a while.
But I just had to let it off my chest,
You're not the only one who is allowed to be upset in this whole wide world.
Some of us just knows how to be more discreet.

On the other hand,
I probably just thought too much.

Feels Like A Metamorphosis

2008-09-05T01:01:00.002+08:00

Funny things has been lurking in my mind whenever I close my eyes,
funny, almost absurd,
yet they all seemed so real.
The people, the places,
They were all so familiar to me,
yet i couldn't picture it all too clearly once i open my eyes.

Is there something inside me that's trying to tell me something?
I never remember dreams so clearly,
not as clearly as the ones I've been having.
Dreams or nightmares?
I dare not wish to find out whether there are worse than the ones i had.

In the middle of the night,
I'm disturbed by thoughts in my mind that I never encountered.
It was like looking at myself from another person's perspective.
As clear as it was, it still seemed very much of an abstract.

What's funniest is,
I feel that every dream I had lately,
was like a little lesson in life learnt,
as though I was learning how to grow up in my dreams.
Absurd! I know.
But it just seemed like it.

Now, even though my eye lids are heavy,
I dare not foresee what would I think of when I sleep again.
Last night was the worst.

If Freud's theory of the cause to dreams are our repressed sexual desires, I really would be speechless by then.
If only I could put the bits and pieces I have dreamed in words.
But I can't, because it was so unclear, yet clear,
that I couldn't tell apart from reality and fantasy.
That sentence totally did not make sense to anyone but myself.

Why?
Why these weird incidents playing in my mind now?
Especially when I'm sleeping?
Waking up in the middle of my sleep with my heart racing?
Not what I would've want for a dream.

And why can't I dream about maths and equations instead?
That would help so much right now.

Celebrating National Day In A Foreign Country

2008-08-31T03:01:00.003+08:00

Okay. Imagine

Stuffy place that reminds you of the humidity and warmth in Malaysia

People pushing each other more than ever to get to the other end.

Crappy music that WAS A TOTAL TURN OFF. (potong stim sial)

~~Singing~~ Screaming the NATIONAL ANTHEM and not standing straight.

Celebrating a countdown without fireworks....

Let me see,

yeap. it's pretty much the same celebrating here or there.

What was the most common was the total Malaysian-ness in everyone,
and not to forget the friggin stuffy atmosphere.
Why club in Melbourne when it feels like you're in Malaysia?
So much for winter.

Nevertheless,
it wasn't that bad overall.
I had fun,
and I came home with a pair of sore feet.
whee.

HAPPY CELEBRATING A TOTALLY USELESS HOLIDAY EVERYONE!

because we're all ~~looking for excuses to PARTAY~~ trying to be patriotic nowadays XD

p/s: I was being uber patriotic. I wore a red top, with a jeans skirt, white shoes and yellow earrings! Dressing up is fun. :)

ZOMGWTFBBQ

2008-08-24T02:25:00.001+08:00

THE INTERNET DURING OFF-PEAK HOURS IS MOVING LIKE A TURTLE.

Feiying,
TOO MUCH ANIME LA

:P

`over and out

*poof*

How Do You Not Doubt Yourself?

2008-08-22T10:19:00.002+08:00

I really really wish I could turn back time, and stayed at where I was before the mess that I'm in now.
I don't know where will I go after this year.
I don't know where I WANT to go after this year.
I don't know whether I am really coping with work.
I don't know why I still persevere,

I doubt myself that I can actually make it through,
I don't want to know what the consequences I'm going to face.
I don't want to continue being in such a shitty situation.
I want to turn back time,
and stay in high school.

I really hate this whole "trying to be independent thing"
This is bull shit.

I'm sick.
turning delirious,
and want to fall into the embrace of my mum.
I feel like a kid.
I want to be a kid.
and I want to have to STOP thinking about decisions to make all the time.
At least just for a week.
One week.
Stop time and let me clear my mind.
Just for one week please...

Where's the pat on the shoulder when I needed it,
Where's the embrace of a mother when I needed it,
I wish I weren't that far away from home.
shit.
this sucks.

Getting Into Melbourne Uni.
hmm...

'Tis The Season To Be Crazy

2008-08-13T11:15:00.002+08:00

I have half an hour to go before heading for my chemistry practical class.

I love the facilities here. There's about 20 MAC's waiting to be used by the students of trinity to catch up on their HOI or work and yet i'm here blogging.

My brother just wrote a post about being positive.

Can being positive really help you to be happy?
In these circumstances(the season to be crazy=term3) I'd beg to differ.

And i'm too lazy to explain.

Yes, more rants and complaints,
after all this is the only outlet that is available for me right now.

No fancy words today.
I feel that there are eyes all over me O.O

Random Note: Indonesians talk as loud as the people from China. And i thought i used to be loud..

Oh btw, I realised if i were to label tags for my posts. It will all be under rants and complaints,
I think.

And again,
'Tis the season to be crazy,
fa la la la la..
la la la la...
My brother is a philosopher now.
Yay. I feel more untalented than ever currently.
(sarcasm intended)

Short, Brief Note

2008-08-11T23:48:00.002+08:00

Short note:

THE DAYS ARE LONGER NOW!

I was so glad to be able to walk home when the sun is still up.

Makes it feel like there's still a long day more after school.

I cannot wait when the days last till 9 pm.

Eh, everyone's birthday coming up. GG lor. XD

Term 3 = Death

2008-08-11T00:37:00.003+08:00

I don't even plan to look forward to term 4.

Now that the EAP debate is out of the way (thankgoodness!)

I still have let's see..

HOI essay (which I'm still struggling fighting with my thoughts on how to answer the question!)

Chemistry Presentation (worth 10% of the final mark AND i can't FIND the information I WANT on the internet. RAWR)

Lit Essay (which is bound to come... sooner or later.. I THINK i'm ready for it since i've been taking ALOT of notes)

Maths1 and Maths2 practices (which is making me frustrated because i've been doing differentiation, anti-differentiation and integration for the past 4 weeks!)

SO MANY TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME!

"Cannot cope also must cope la!"

Send me an angel of homework to light me a path towards answers.
I wanna go home.....
:(

Are You Afraid Of Death?

2008-08-07T00:26:00.005+08:00

Do you know what will happen in the year 2012?

They say that apocalypse will occur on the precise date of 21st December 2012.

That gives us about 4 years plus to live our life to the fullest if the prediction was accurate.

Not many will be able to make out of their feelings to know the precise date of your death.
But if this knowledge were to be true,
What would you do? How would you feel?

First thing that came to me was a sense of terror and anxiety.

But it lasted not more than 10 seconds.

As though the fear overcame by itself without me doing anything.

Next, I felt nothing, well, close to nothing.

I thought what a waste it would be for me to strive so hard and had live through all that happened for the past 17 years.
I wonder how would I really feel when the day really came.
The day i die.

Would I be afraid?
I don't know.
All I know for now is, before I die, I want definite answers for everything.
But it would never come, because there is no definite answer to everything.
All individuals have their own beliefs and principles.
No one would stand united to an answer because there are just too many.

If this bleak near future has come to a plausibility,
I wouldn't know what I will do.
So far,
I'm content to what I have and what I have been through,
both materialistically and emotionally.
Regrets had led to self-realisation and awareness.
Vindications led to a content agreement,
Exculpations led to escapism,
after all,
We are only but humans.

The only thing i'm sure of,
if everyone were to die on the same day,
i want to die in the arms of my loved ones.

It is times like these where you long for an assuring pat or voice.

I still want to go home.

Are you ready to die?

Search Engines Are Scary

2008-08-04T00:29:00.003+08:00

"How did you find my blog?!"

"i type "hanyi blog" and google."

SEARCH ENGINES ARE SCARY.

~~Curse you damn brother.~~ I LOVE YOU BROTHER OF MINE!

I recreated Leonardo Da Vinci's famous masterpiece. Took me about three hours to complete. I used a mechanical pencil with 2B lead. -TJ Foo

*taken from his flickr (click if interested). i think he's crazy and have too much time. his 14 btw. i'm feeling inferior and very much untalented. thankyouverymuchyoubrother!*

So am I suppose to announce to the whole world how much I LOVE YOU now that you are going to read my blog?

Does this mean that there can be no profanities too?

Damn..
I mean.. um.. i cannot find another word for that.

Nevertheless.
I cannot blame google either.
I mean..
How discreet can i be when i have my name as my blog address?

RAWR.

Random note:
I think i'm suffering from A.D.D. (see: attention deficit disorder). I keep wanting to do my work. BUT I GET DISTRACTED SO EASILY.
i think i think too much.
19 more days for me to hand in my HOI essay.
I'm dead.
My brother must be laughing hysterically having fun seeing me suffer in the piles of work i have to do.
OH crap.
Another Random Note:
I'm very proud of my brother even though he can be ~~an ass~~ a very nice boy at times.
*beams*

On A Fine Chilling Afternoon

2008-08-02T19:29:00.002+08:00

We played basketball.
When we were done, I sat on the bench,
Chen Yi on the table,
we stared aimlessly at random things on the gardens.
I stared at the basketball court,
and it was all nostalgic,
the old times when I had back at home,
I had the urge to go home and never come back here,
I couldn't fathom why I felt the sudden pang of homesickness.
I turned to Chen Yi,
I said :" I think, I wanna go home, back to Malaysia."
and he replied with a sigh,
"Yeah, i think I wanna go home too."

Then we continued staring blankly at what we cherished at the moment most,
him looking at her,
me looking at the court, the ball, looking back at the memories.

Just When You Thought You'd Never Quote From a Novel You're Required to Read for Literature Classes

2008-07-31T00:44:00.002+08:00

"Who is the brave man-he who feels no fear? If so, then bravery is but a polite term for a mind devoid of rationality and imagination. The brave man, the real hero, quakes with terror, sweats, feels his very bowels betray him, and in spite of this moves forward to do the act he dreads. And yet I do not think it heroic to march into the fields of fire, whipped on one's way only by fear of being called crave. Sometimes, true courage requires inaction; that one sit at home while war rages, if by doing so one satisfies the quiet voice of honorable conscience."
-March by Geraldine Brooks

Makes you think about how it contradicts what you were taught since young, doesn't it?

Made me realise that there is a very fine line between courage and cowardice.
This particular paragraph also made me realise that we shouldn't just easily absorb what we learn from someone else, but to think it over and rationalise.
Was it the right meaning?

Courage or cowardice?
Makes you rethink whether those who you used to call brave were actually brave or not, didn't it?
Well, I did.

So are you brave or are you a coward?

Random

2008-07-27T01:57:00.004+08:00

This is how you cheat your way to win a thumb war.

"1,2,3,4, i declare a thumb war,
5,6,7,8, i use this hand to masturbate!"

that should distract someone when they are all confused with the extra awesome confusing phrase.

I will not attempt to claim the above as my own joke for every time i do so, when i google "whatever-i-came-up-with", there always seem to be a result to it. so screw it.

I miss those carefree days,
not one day have i stopped thinking about what i really really want to do in the future.
and i hate the fact that the answer to my question can only be determined by me,
and not by the influence of someone else.
It sucks.

I am proud to say that I have survived my term3 resolutions till now,
even though i had temptations in my way,
and it really broke my heart to have to reject my friends over and over again.
But,
if i don't discipline myself now,
when will I ever?

Still slightly deviated from being a hardworking person though,
but I'll be trying my best-est

I'm excited for our little Sunday which will start in about 5 hours time when I wake up from my bed.
We're having pancakes for breakfast,
then a small little photo shoot with FeiYing's DSLR.
then,
it's mugging time. ( I hope)

Damn,
why does the library have to be closed tomorrow?

I'm in sort of a dilemma right now,
I have this English Debate coming up, but it wouldn't exactly be like one.
We're going to present whatever point we have without having to counter anyone else's points.
The question of the topic was
"In the field of your study, would the world be a better place to live in 50 years?"

LIKE HOLY CRAP.
what on earth am i going to talk about the good and/or bad things that physiotherapy will bring in 50 years time?
And to put a little cherry on top of that wonderful delicious ice cream sundae,
I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR 5 MINUTES.

So if anyone had any idea, in the field of physiotherapy, of course, because i have made my research, had a few points, but not enough, PLEASE DO LEAVE A COMMENT and H-E-L-P?(yes, I am that desperate. well not really, but i could do with some help considering the fact that we have to start presenting on friday, i hope i don't get chosen to be one of the first few)

i feel so unprepared.
This is where all the skeptical people who tries very hard to believe in God will turn to him,
on their knees,
and beg for forgiveness for all the sins they have done,
and hope they do well in whatever they are doing.

Okay, that didn't make sense to me. But nevertheless, I'll just assume that anyone who reads this would not exactly be in their right mind.

Come on,
who reads a blog with the blog address insidehanyi.blogspot?

As sick as that sounds, I swear it was unintentional for this blog to be a porn-site OR a blog about anatomy, particularly mine.

I need a life.
The more I try to speak proper,
the more incoherent I get,
the more I try to write proper,
the more incomprehensible it gets.

SEE?
I'm doing it again.
I think
i need sleep,
and chocolate,
and cereal with milk,
and more chocolate.
I feel like a pregnant woman, without being pregnant.

I should stop.
I don't think i will proof-read this post like I always do for ~~most of~~ all my posts.
If i did,
I might just delete the whole thing.

Hence,
the post title.

PANCAKES IN 5 hours.

Han Yi over and out.

Note: I just read the whole thing albeit saying I won't, IT TOTALLY DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.
but who cares. hah.

Update: Pancakes failed. i woke up too late. :( no more late nights on weekends. too much time wasting

Mistakes, Misled, Missed. MESS.

2008-07-23T22:41:00.003+08:00

I have made so many wrong doings,
I cannot help but feel that I am like the villain in every superhero movie.
I apologise deeply from the bottom of my heart,
for I made us not as close as we were,
because of the way I was,
for there's a gap between us,
because of all the things i said or done that hurt you.

But,
honestly,
i personally think
that what happened was inevitable.
We move on in our lives.
and,
if i continue tiring myself emotionally
because I want us to be what we were before shit happened,
it will only get worse as time goes on.

I've been thinking about the great times we had before.
Although we still do see each other every once in a while,
it still didn't feel like it was the same anymore.
If only,
I could get to know you better,
for who you are now,
rather than before.

Unfortunately,
inevitable simply meant that it will never be the same again.

Awkward is the word.
Every time we try to talk to each other now.

If only I could turn back time,
and try to make things better,
but i believe that those mistakes had to done,
for i grew,
and i hope you did or you will too.

Those who know,
knows,
Those who don't know,
wouldn't know,
Might not be what you think it is,
don't jump into conclusions,
or don't remind me by asking me about this either.

So Much For Sense of Creativity =.=

2008-07-21T21:02:00.004+08:00

Brandon has no sense of ART

AT ALL

.
..
...
..
.

they don't even look a like!

or do they?
...