i don't understand

i don't understand how this whole thing works.
how life works.
it's just horrible knowing that you have been cheated, dumped, unwanted, ignored.
i always thought i was strong enough
to face all the hurdles alone.
to let people depend on me,
and me being independent.
it always has been that way,
but i guess... i was wrong.

it is true that no one deserves to be alone, not even the ugliest thing in the world.
how would you define being ugly?
one who does not have the looks?
one who does not have the charisma?
one who does not have the brains?
everyone has their own opinion and i have mine too.

confusion and pain lingers as i see those words piercing through my eyes.
it was painful like the birth of the sun as the sun rays pierces you so harshly,
and suddenly i felt naked,
so bare in front of everyone,
so fragile, so afraid of letting someone in my own real world...
to hurt me..

i believe everyone has their own disguise.
it is in your disguise that you can actually do things that you're not brave doing it when you're the real you.
for instance, a bully, he might just be a poor boy with a broken family,
yet in school or among his peers he could put on a disguise,
and make the rest suffer but no one knows what hides behind that facade.
would you?
and what about spiderman?
he might be a super hero well known by everyone internationally,
but when he's Peter Parker, he's just an ordinary reporter struggling to survive in this world so harsh.

Ah, the disguises people put on,
so deceiving, yet at the same time, so trustworthy.
people say it wouldn't harm giving others second chances,
people say it wouldn't harm giving others the benefit or doubt.
or would it?
you'll never know.
who knows, probably that girl or boy who looks so cheerful everyday,
might just be hiding that never ending sorrow behind his smile.
you'll never know, will you?

I'll never believe if someone told me that he or she has always been their real true self,
Secrets,
so many of them bound to you.
kept bottled up.
aren't there limits to having secrets?
are you supposed to let them out when you are have a secret?
it wouldn't be a secret anymore would it?
16 years I've lived, not a single day have i stopped wondering what would happen tomorrow.
every night i dread to enter my dreams,
every night i dread for the next morning to come, bringing forth the future to the present.
and every morning i attempt to search for a reason to wake up from my sleep,
every morning i have second thoughts to whether i am ready or not to face the new day.

things were never the same,
in my opinion,
a person, is like clay,
when they're young and still wet and easy to mold,
people around you tend to mold you into shape,
and it's true,
it's like the way parents bring their children up,
what they say or do, is how they teach their children,
and soon, characteristics of people around you are molded into you.
and when you grow older,
you are already dried and thus harder to mold.
nothing can change that easily anymore.
now, no one is perfect isn't it?
would you call that injustice in life, or God was being fair?

i don't know,
i guess i'll never know no matter how much i want the answers right now.
only time will tell.

-Just my thoughts.
i hate you more than ever now.