I Don't Know.

I feel as though I have been living in my own world.
I don't make an effort to go to the hospital anymore.
I don't make an effort to blend in with the many surrounding me.
Not a single effort to bond with friends.
I was reluctant,
but he insisted on me going.
And then,
it was a disaster as i predicted,
in the end.

I've been burying myself in books and Animes.
I feel like,
I'm missing out.
And probably,
just probably,
I feel that people around me don't need me as much as I need them.

I feel guilty now,
for not trying to make an effort to care more about her,
or my friends,
I feel guilty for being selfish.
For the sake of being able to get into another overrated University,
that's going to cost my parents more.
I feel guilty for not being able to be there for a friend, or a family,
whether on a special occasion, or when they just needed someone to talk to.
And more guilt starts pouring in as I type these words.

This weekend was like reality crashing in after a pleasant dream.
I want to go back to my own world that I've been living in for the past week,
only worrying about getting to school on time because I've been staying up,
doing work.
But then guilt crashes in,
I have not been spending the time I used to with my friends,
my family,
and for my best friend.
Which I don't think I am fit to claim to be hers anymore anyways.

I don't feel like myself anymore over here.
I need someone to have an argument with.
Both physically and verbally,
without having to see tears or frowns in the end.
Both my body and mind are feeling so restless,
All the anger or anxiety or excitement,
I used to portray them through my voice,
now.
All i can do is,
say "I'm happy." instead of shouting it out loud to express how i really really feel.
Because,
there's no one,
and no where that I can possibly do so.
the hanyi that was before coming here,
has to hide in the hanyi that is now here.

I don't know what I'm babbling about.
I just need.
Someone that knows me better,
someone,
that would unleash the real me,
though it might not be for the better....

But,
how can you be happy if you're not being yourself right?
Then again,
I'm not even sure,
if I know who I was, or who I am.
All i know was what made me.
I'm letting my surroundings manipulate me.
Like a chameleon adapting to its environment.

I miss my mother's love,
I miss my brothers' hidden love,
I miss my father's weird ways of showing how he loves,
I miss my fighting buddies, NINA! NICKY KOR KOR!!
I miss.. Brandon..

I don't know why I keep thinking about home.
But all I'm guessing is that going home means I get to get off studies for 2 weeks,
going home means I get to eat all the fattening cheap and delicious hawker foods,
going home means I get to shop frantically like a spoiled brat.
Going home means..
I might..
JUST MIGHT..
be able to rediscover myself,
and dig in real deep inside of me..
and find out who Foo Han Yi was,
and is going to be.

Suddenly,
I feel as though I'm back to square one.
This blog and its purpose,
has all came back.
These things I cannot say,
I only can type.
I admire the cyber world.
How it can allow me to pour everything out and to actually let those who actually care about me know how i feel inside,
without me having to go through the awkwardness of portraying my thoughts and feelings through speech.

If only..
If only I had someone who knows me better than I know myself.
Is there such a person?
Was there such a person?
Did I let that person flash pass me and not notice?

And again,

I conclude my post,

with a simple, mere

I don't know.

If only the way of life has a guide you can learn,
through textbooks.