If Only..

"If you took it with malicious intent, i hope you get hit by a car. Thanks."
Quoted from poor old Yeong Shen who lost his Fahrenheit 451.

If only I could say that to that imbecile i knew 4 years ago.

Every little thing around me lately tends to trigger what happened in the past.
What seemed to be something I longed to forget.
Dwelling into the past.
Isn't good is it not?
I don't know.
I don't know whether I should constantly remind myself of the pain,
to make sure I don't fall back into that well of darkness again,
Or should I forget what happened,
so that I could live a carefree life with the thoughts of a 14 year old again.

If only life were that simple right?
The biggest "bump" i had to go through in my life and yet I'm still staring at the scars reminding myself the details of that incident.
Then,
as i backtracked and "reminisce" the "wonderful" path I walked,
I see that very vague bump that reminded me of how scary it was.
Suddenly,
the fear overcame me.
The anger faded,
and then it turned to something else,
all that's left is remorse and despondent.
Ah the melancholy bit of my life.
The self pity.
I feel pathetic all of the sudden at the very instant i turned my back to have a look at the old well I dropped into through deception and lies and which I have also poured my heart and soul crawling myself back up.
The moments that I've spent in that bloody well,
in that wretched stinking well,
where I wailed and cried my lungs out,
yet to not only be heard by anyone,
because there wasn't any sound.

Then,
now,
Though grateful as I am to say that I've overcame darkness,
and brought myself back up,
yet, I feel the need to fall back into the well again,
sometimes,
I feel the need to "learn how to stand on your own two feet" again,
but,
it was just a thought,
only sometimes,
it was just a thought.

The anger I had in me for him,
and for the people around me who don't ever understand,
why I was the way I was,
I do not feel it anymore over here.
That particular emotion,
has been channeled to only both ways,
either i forget,
or I think to myself why, when, what, how?

Could be the literature I'm dealing with,
could be the history I'm dealing with,
I don't know.

I just know,

I've changed.

At least I'd like to think that I have,
anyways.

So yeah,
if only i could tell that bastard,
those words,
"If you took it with malicious intent, i hope you get hit by a car. Thanks."

But he probably would anyways,
wouldn't he?
Because I believe in karma.
He will.
One day when he reaches to the climax of his life.
He'll just drop dead.
At least again,
I'd like to think that he will.

Note to readers (if there are any) : I know there aren't at all much pictures and details about my life in Melbourne, but I need my blog the way I needed it 3 years ago when I started blogging more than ever. Besides, Peak Sheng once told me, blog the way you want to, not the way others want.

Dear FC,
I've no fucking idea when you'd be able to reach to the world of the internet again as you said, "my life is worse than kampong ppl la.." But seriously, life is a cookie. And that's how the cookie crumbles aye? excuse the cliché statement I just made. I miss your sarcasm, your intelligence, your maturity(you can laugh your butt off now as I did when you told me about where you're going to study. XD). But seriously, I meant every word I said. Take care of Dudu yeah? Stop loaning it to various people I am unacquainted with! Rette Mich FC, RETTE MICH!

Amplify my voice, Amplify my thoughts.