From The Inside

It took me, for so long,
for today,
to read and learn of others,
and to realise how different I am to what I am "supposed" to be.

When others are writing and showing their maturity,
I'm stuck in this rut where I feel like I'm back in high school (minus all the high school drama).
It seems as though I keep wanting myself to grow,
that I was so ready for something to happen,
but it already is.

University is happening,
and probably my father has been right,
probably I have not been thinking much about my future,
because I feel its all laid out,
everything will be smooth sailing,
because,
I'm in a university,
I'm in Australia,
and I'm doing a course that I like.

But how far will that take me,
if I continue being complacent,
or continue putting just a minimal amount of effort,
nothing will happen.

I know myself,
that what I learn about others today,
will make me feel that I need to strive harder,
but it's harder than it seems,
I need to continue motivating myself,
despite not having friends from the same uni,
despite being ahead in the academic calender of the selective friends that I have been hanging out for the past year.
This IS something that's happening.

What was I thinking?
I was hoping it would be some life lesson that would make me stronger,
like what happened some 5 years ago.
No, it's not.
THIS is happening,
UNI is happening,
every day i sit in front of my computer,
doing minimal amount of work,
when I'm supposed to be looking out for what kind of jobs I should go for,
whether I'll be able to fully support myself financially the moment I step out of uni.

I wish I was in a position where my parents were when they went to Uni,
so I could be more appreciative,
so I could be more responsible.

I'm as stubborn as a mule,
I don't like people telling me to do things,
and doing it JUST because they want me to do it,
I want to do it because I want to see the benefit to it.

I even type and talk like a teenager.
18 turning 19 doesn't take me any further from this rut.
I want to be an adult.

I thought I already was,
but looking at how I'm really not being one,
there's no point seeing my age turn older and yet,
I am still being a teenager.

How much more will it take for you, Hanyi,
to be able to speak, act, think like an adult?

When will that happen?

when?