Change?

I wonder, if anyone realized how much I have changed in a month and a half. Don't know if anyone realized. I did. I hate the person I am now. I used to be able to talk about my feelings as easily as making water seep through tissue. Now I can't. I cannot bring myself to talk about how I feel. I'm being delusional everyday. When I'm jealous, I tell myself to smile and disregard those feelings. When I'm upset, I put on songs that would distract me with lyrics that are silly it makes me smile. I cannot resist not smiling, as much as I want to show how upset I am. When I'm angry, I am not allowed to show my anger, because, there simply, is just no where to let go anything. There's no where for me to sing my crazy angry songs out loud, there's no where for me to scream my lungs out, there's no where for me to run away quietly without having to ask for permission, there's no place for me to hide when I really just don't want to talk to anyone.

I care more about my looks now than I ever did. I don't eat things that I like anymore, I eat things that I have to. I don't wear things I like anymore, I wear things that are appropriate to the common eye. I don't talk about things I used to anymore, everything does not seem appropriate, the time, the place, the people.

I feel as though, every time i come home, I lock up some part of me inside, and only open it when I leave home. Why do I have to be a different person in two different places, with different people? Why is it that we all have to be so judgmental, and have to be judged back? Every time I pick out something I like to wear, I take it off, put it back in my closet, because I know someone would say something about it. Every time I pick out something I like to eat, I have second thoughts, because everything I put in my mouth is "fattening". I don't know if I should give myself one big slap, or the people who I assume are judging me. Slapping myself because I even bother giving a damn about what others think about me, slapping others because they don't know me well enough. But I can't anyways, slapping myself will just make me look stupid, slapping others would lead to more judging.

I hate this person I become when I come back. I don't want to live as a person that I don't like. I cannot find that balance I was looking for one and a half month ago when I stepped off the plane. She's here, she's acting like she's here, but I honestly, really, don't feel the same. I want to, be who I am there, and back at home. I want to be one person. I don't want to live like I'm leading two lives, it makes me feel tired, and I can't afford the effort and emotional exhaustion every time I try to adapt. I don't want to be who I am when I'm home. I want to be carefree, I want to be my own boss, I want to be the person who judges what's right and what's wrong for me. Just because the norm says this doesn't mean I have to conform right? I have my own opinions now, I want to stick to it, but how can I do so when I feel like the whole fucking world is always judging me, my actions, my every move?

So, the people around me are the same, but are they really? They are only being the person that I knew before, and not the person that they are now. Adaptation, we all do that. I'm used to being miss-goody-two-shoes in front of a certain group of people. poof. the baddass bitch i am with another group turned to someone else. It makes me fucking feel like I have multiple-personality disorder. But I don't. And it's all frustrating at the same time, because I'm soberly aware of the change I make in front of different people.

I hate expectations. If only the people I care so much about don't have such high expectations on me. If only I didn't have such high expectations on myself to impress them. If only I could really be like a certain someone who I think honestly, can be quite stupid, but brave at the same time. She lived to what she wants, she does things that she wants, despite the constant judging from her family, from her parents, she really just don't care about what they think. I'm not saying that I admire her being a rebel, I just admire how brave she can not care about how people judge her. At least that's what she shows. We'll never know.

And there's the dreams. Sometimes, I wish I just could never dream again. sigh. that's another whole story. This is so stupid, I'm not going to be a teenager anymore yet, I feel all this emotional turmoil. high school drama much? I really really really don't like any of this that I'm going through right now.

Sorry about the verbal diarrhea, hence, the unstructured "literature"

I just needed to let something off me,
I still feel it though.

All these writing,
for once,
didn't help.

meh..