Sunday, January 06, 2013

I Understand Now

Today, I had this urge to write, to write about something that has been trickling from deep down inside for the past few years. We always say "another year older, another year wiser". This saying particularly applied to me after what has been thought through, said and done in the year that passed. Ever since I have left the comfort of home in 2008, this little voice in my head bothers me whenever I am having my alone time recuperating mentally (mostly) and physically. Despite trying to take time off to bounce back to life, these thoughts in my head however kept me restless, unhappy, unbalanced and unmotivated. Throughout the past years of learning and growing, I have always wanted to know "What am I doing in this world?".

To be honest, I have never thought so hard and serious about my life (eg. what do I want to be in the future? what do I like to eat? What kind of person am I?), and even if I did, it came out of the pressure from people who needed answers when I am in the midst of evaluating my decisions. Was it deep setted questions in my subconscious mind which I selectively decided to ignore? Possibly. But in 2012, I have learned to pick up the courage to face my demons. now understand a lot more things in life and I want to share this particular one example with everyone I know. 

My first and worst demon was my perceived "failing" relationship with my father. Thinking back in my life, I only remember my father as the man who was the man of all men, the King, the Boss, "He" who we cannot defy, the unfathomable man that I always wanted to impress but can not, or rather, did not know how to. I look back into my childhood and teenage life and wonder why I do rebellious acts, and till this very day I do not understand where the impulse for these cheap thrills came from. But I digress, I guess I was trying to come to a point where I explain that my delusion of this so called "failing" relationship with my father was all rooted from countless misunderstandings, miscommunication and both our egocentrics. If I ever do think about my father, negative thoughts flow in so readily it makes me sick. 

"He does not understand where I am coming from!" "He always thinks he's right!" " He does not listen to what I say!"
 I guess this came from many unresolved ill feelings which led to more misunderstanding of my father's intentions. Why he doesn't express affection and why am I not his daddy's girl? So often I think, I cry, I do not understand then I blame him for not being receptive of my ideas, and I blame him for not being accepting of the way I communicate. I blame him because he only always points out my flaws (or so I thought) and when I make foolish mistakes that annoys him, it stings the most with his piercing eyes and words (like the Scorpio that he is).

But in 2012, I have grown. For some reason, I have learned to look at life from the bigger picture instead of paying attention to minute details. I see my father in me when I utilize all my life skills that turned me from a little girl into a growing woman. I see my father in me when I am able to navigate my way anywhere I am (he really dislikes a person who cannot navigate themselves around a place). I see my father in me when I  negotiate with people who are trying to make a deal with me. He taught me how to be a responsible older sister, and in that I have not only became the sister my brothers can talk to and depend on, I have also managed to bring these qualities in together with my work, studies and my social life. 

Friends and family, this epiphany has made me a happier person, I have realised that there was never a "failing" relationship with my father, his very aggressive love for me just works in a very subtle discreet way (the irony). It may all seem so easy to do and say because I am his blood, but I really never understood him. Maybe because I longed for being the spoiled "daddy's girl" favoured with materialistic gifts, but I already have mum for that and there has to be a balance in life for everything. If we all can learn to understand someone's intentions and are willing to step inside the shoes of another person, the world will be a much harmonious place to live in. I now know I am my daddy's girl, well really, he doesn't have a choice because I am his only girl ;)

I now welcome the new year 2013 and hope it touches more people's life with LOVE and WISDOM.

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