I don't know how to be a Sister.

It's so hard being the eldest. I'm only 15! and when I think I did what is best for my brothers, they seem to hate me even more. I know they wouldn't understand why am I doing all this, they just think that I'm a party-pooper everytime. And I noticed too, I tried not going too far, but they just wouldn't realize. I said sorry , but he ignores me. I'm only doing it for their own good, they have no reason to get mad at me. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the one who had to be the fun-sucker, sometimes I wish there was someone else to take over my plce as the eldest to teach the little ones the right things. Being the eldest sucks. I still don't know how to be a sister after 15 years of experience. Will I ever? I love them so much, but they don't know it. I quarell with them is only because I think it's fun doing so. Besides, if we don't we wouldn't even be talking to each other. I get confused somtimes, it's like I want to show them how much I love them, but I have hesitations. Why so? I don't know. And about that feeling inside me, I'm sick of trying to kick it away, it looks like I'll just have to live with it, like it or not. I'll find a way to adapt. and maybe sooner or later, that feeling will go away by itself. That's the solution I can think of so far. And I don't want to think no more.