No one to relate to..

I feel like a coward I don't want to be. Everytime I try stepping out from that circle, I get scared and step back in. How can someone like me being not afraid of anything, be such a coward just by stepping out of a bloody invisible circle. Argh, I feel so useless. Sometimes, I feel like living in my own world where I don't have to talk to another person and tell them I'm okay, when I'm actually not. I don't want anyone to worry, and sometimes I'd rather not be with my best friend telling her about my stuffs and making her worry. I know she wants to help, I appreciate it, I really do. But I hate making people having to brainstorm with me "torturing" them while they can do better things. That's why sometimes I feel "anti-social". Is that something to be laughed at? Those who did, don't understand the way I feel. I don't think it really is a funny matter. Sometimes, I feel like giving up on myself and letting my "lifeline" that I've been holding on to go. But somewhere in my mind something seems to tell me to not be such an idiot. Come to think of it, it is idotic trying to give up. That attitude sucks. So I will NOT do that foolish act again. Sometimes I feel I have no one to relate to. It's like no one understands no matter how hard I try to explain the way I feel. And that sucks. I've not been in love in a while. When I do, I tend to forget that feeling I have. But when it reaches a point, it strikes back. Then, that point is where the pain hurts till I can't bare with it anymore. It's not that I don't like being with that person anymore. I'm just afraid the past will repeat though they ensure me it won't. But that just sounds like a lame excuse to them so I never told any of them about it. I just had to be the evil one, the bad one, the one who hurts them. I hate myself for doing these things. Giving them hope, then out of the blue I crush it with my own bare hands. I miss one particular person. But I dare not be with him. Part of me wants to and part of me says no. I'm so confused. So, to make things easier, I'd rather be alone. So, I won't have to make him worried about me. Just so he knows, I still love him with every single bit of my heart. And I know, deep down inside, I know he's the right one for me. I don't know if he feels the same. But if he never gave up on me, I hope he'll wait till I get out of this barriers that are blocking me from walking. Please give me time, world. I'm trying my best. I'm just this little far away from being better. I hope he waits for me. For now, I have my gameboy to keep me company. And I'll always be missing him. : : sigh : : this world is so damn complicated.