blogging? right.....

it's been a while since i last blogged.. as i browse through blogs belonging to others.. i start to realise.. the way i blog. is-so-weird. oh well. it's a place for me to let out my feelings which i feel uncomfortable speaking about. lately, i've been feeling that my life is so fucked up.. urgh.. i've been so lost ever since. i duno when.. form 2 i guess? plus.. this year.. it's a big "jump" from form 3 to form 4.. oh waddafak.. urgh.. sperating me from shen shen.. giving me 3 extra subjects.. and y the hell do we have to take moral for our SPM? stupid education.. i feel so.. lost.. feel so confused.. feel i have no where to go to.. and don't know where am i supposed to go to.. I don't really know how to explain this feeling. so weird.. i don't even know what am i doing sometimes. Some things reminds me of the past.. i stone there. and wonder. y do i still get haunted by all these nightmares even though it's been a year since it happened. it's like every little thing triggers me to think about it.. even just watching the movies.. out of the sudden i'll have a flashback of what happened that very single day, and tears i can't control start rolling down my cheeks. Lately, i've lost my passion in writting poetry.. i've suddenly lost all my abilities to be able to just rhyme in less than a second. come to think of it, i find it amazing when i read back what i written comparing to what a rubbish i am now. i feel worse and worse everyday. i have no purpose in life, all i do everyday is follow my daily schedule, and when i have nothing to do, i seek refuge in my dreams, dreams where i get what i want instead of having to face reality. i know these make me a coward, but i have no courage to be what i used to be before, i was naive and was stupid and innocent, now i am lost.. after what happened to me, it's so easy for everyone to say forget it la... the past is the past, look in front of you.. and when i do.. i see nothing but pitch black. no light to show me the way, i quietly walk alone with my head down and in a slow pace so afraid i might fall again. it's like no matter how many friends i have, no matter how occupied i make myself , i still somehow have the energy and time to think about it all of the sudden. I don't want to cry because of this no more. I feel lost.. I feel lost.. I feel lost.. It's so weird.. it's like i got out of the circle but that was ACTUALLY what i thought.. i was still stuck in it.. all these while i lied to myself, why? why? why?? i'm so confused.. so lost of words.. so.. urgh.. =/ what a day.. what a way to "decorate" my blog.. i see others decorate their blogs so nicely.. with my ultimate favourite.. butterflies and pink. how i hate that certain someone, for stealing away wat i like and attracting attention with them. but oh well.. everyone likes butterflies and pink.. i should not keep the hatred in me.. but it's more than that.. i can't seem to forgive her for what she had done to me. curse her. well.. she's already cursed. no doubt. all she's looking for is for a rich ass fucker to help her buy nice stuffs. well u can't buy love. that's what i know. cause.. no matter how much money matters, in the end, it's always the heart that counts. people who open up their eyes in front of money and let themselves fall in the world of greed are just way too shallow. i thought at one time she changed. but she didnt. hmm come to think fo it. i wanted to be friends with her just to get others attention. but not anymore. i don't want to mix with a shallow piece oh shyt like her. lalala.. enough of complaining about her. i have complained enough. time to get back to my own piece of shit. cherrios. cheer? HAHA. what on earth is happiness anyways? i forgotten.. someone remind me........................................