Incompetent much?

Today,
I took a piss,
got up and out from the cubicle,
and the world was blank,
literally,
i knew my eyes were open, but i couldn't see anything.
i rushed back to the toilet seat,
as a blind person,
but temporarily.
i blinked harder than ever to get rid of the blurriness.

When things came back to a clear vision,
I realised i broke out into a cold sweat.
I don't know what happened.
If I died in my sleep i guess the doctor could use this as a symptom for some disease lethal,
as an excuse that i did not kill myself.

Today,
I learnt about appearance vs. reality.
I feel like a parasite to everyone around me,
be it a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member.
a parasite,
in society,
wasting space, doing nothing,
a parasite,
among my circle of friends,
words come out of my mouth,
feelings unpacked like a whore.
a parasite,
even in the household,
incompetent,
in every single thing i do.
other than to eat, sleep, and play.

So,
tell me,
what was I ever good at?
At being a friend?
A sister?
A cousin?
A daughter?
A student?

The more i look myself in the mirror,
the more I see myself morph into the shape of a parasite,
eating on others,
living on others.

Why is it so hard to be a human being?
You go through the trouble,
trying to help someone in need,
you do it voluntarily,
yet you want recognition,
because that person does not know how much effort,
it took you to help that person.
BUT,
you can't tell about how much of an effort it was,
because you did it voluntarily,
you were helping,
yet you feel unappreciated.
So how now?
you can't go neither left nor right,
it's either you hurt yourself, or the person.
Which would you prefer?

I wanna be selfish.
Tell me I'm allowed to.

I wanna keep the people I like,
in one small round circle,
and stay with them forever,
and they lose their memory when I want to repeat about the things that are bothering me.

I wish I had divine powers.